3 Strategies to Become Less Reactive and More of the Person You Want to Be
My last article presented 10 forms of personal reactivity that everyone should carefully manage. Whether it’s anger, anxiety, worry, blame, insecurity or lack of boundaries, emotional triggers disrupt relationship health.
While those reactions might be our default responses, awareness helps us interrupt the patterns and make different choices about how we behave, especially in challenging situations. Of course, it’s not easy to change behaviors that have been ingrained in us for a long time. One way to motivate that change is to consider this question:
Who might you be if you consistently become less personally reactive?
Imagine a version of yourself that remained calm and natural in social settings or around people with more “power.”
Imagine yourself staying level-headed in the face of danger or loss of control.
Imagine being non-anxious and centered even when people make you upset or don’t meet your expectations.
Imagine a version of yourself that doesn’t feel the need to “fix,” “control” or “rescue” others.
Imagine being able to say “no” to people without feeling like a disappointment.
Isn’t that a version of yourself you’d like to become?
Consider three strategies to move toward that version of yourself:
1. Cultivate confidence. The word confidence comes from the Latin fidere which means “to trust.” To manage your reactivity, keep focusing on what you trust most, that which has the greatest capacity to reduce your fear and anxiety. At a foundational level, this requires continued development of your faith, family or whatever it is that you ultimately rely upon.
Beyond this deeper trust comes trust in your strengths, your progress and your ability to generate acceptable outcomes over time. Self-confidence allows you to relax, not be defensive, not need to be right, not need to win and not need to over-play your hand.
2. Welcome discomfort. My good friend is known for constantly reminding her children that they “were not made for comfort.” In the Netflix documentary Stutz, Jonah Hill has candid conversations with his therapist, who reminds Hill that you must accept and embrace three constants in life: 1) pain, 2) uncertainty and 3) hard work.
Most of us do whatever we can to avoid these factors of life, and when they inevitably arise, we are surprised and upset. We ask pleading questions like: How could this happen to me?! Why would you say that about me?! How could you do that to me?! Who does she think she is talking to me like that?! Why is this so hard?!
These questions aren’t typically worth answering. We usually know the answers, we just don’t want to hear it or face it. Relationships are hard. People mess up. Misunderstandings happen. Not everyone does it the way you do. Not everyone sees things the way you do. Failure is part of life.
3. Know your “self.” When I was younger, I had no strong sense of self. My values, preferences and limits were all just a reflection of the people around me or a projection of what I thought people wanted me to be. I remember a good friend’s older brother asking me about a cool rock band I knew nothing about. “Yeah,” I responded, “I totally love that band.” To which the older brother challenged me, “Then name one song they sing.” I had nothing.
That’s not a self; it’s a false self. When you don’t have a strong sense of your values, preferences and limits, you’re always on shifting ground. It’s an unsetting feeling that makes you react emotionally rather than respond thoughtfully.
Do you want healthier relationships and less anxiety? Here’s the answer:
Be more aware of your triggers and reactions. And to minimize their damage, cultivate confidence, welcome discomfort and know yourself.
Which of these three strategies will most help you move toward the best version of yourself?
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