6 Essentials for Influencing People Who Don’t Want to Change or Commit
There’s a beautiful and instructive scene in the movie Inside Out when Bing Bong doesn’t want to keep going because he’s so upset about the changes happening around him.
The character representing Joy becomes frustrated and tries to coax Bing Bong to move on.
“It’s going to be OK, we can fix this,” she cheers. “We just need to…!”
The beauty of this scene to me is how relatable it is to the many times I’ve gotten frustrated with people who aren’t ready to change or move on.
“It’s OK. Let’s fix it! We just need to…”
I deliver the message with positivity and energy, so I assume it will influence. But it rarely does. It didn’t work for Joy either.
Do you ever find yourself impatient with people who won’t change, move on, or commit?
Having studied this challenge for two decades, I’ve found that the problem is, most people don’t demonstrate enough of one thing during these moments:
Curiosity.
Curiosity seeks deeper understanding. Curiosity listens empathetically. Curiosity discovers the why behind the what.
Curiosity doesn’t make assumptions. It’s not judgmental. It’s not quick to fix, rescue, avoid, or rush along.
It’s non-anxious and non-reactive.
How Do You Demonstrate Curiosity with People?
I’ve found that people who maintain a posture of curiosity do a version of six practical things on a regular basis, even when they are feeling stressed or frustrated. To demonstrate more curiosity:
- Invest in future payoff. Most people, most of the time, choose to do the thing that’s urgent more often than the thing that’s important. They do this for several reasons: The urgent is usually a more tangible activity, getting it done provides immediate gratification, and the person is able to avoid the anxiety of disappointing someone. However, curiosity requires a proactive investment of time to gain understanding.
- Don’t rush people. When you’re influencing change or driving decisions, you’re usually several steps ahead of the people who need to change or decide. As a result, you may want to go ahead and make your case, give your reasons, be persistent, and assume people will see it your way. Curiosity, on the other hand, meets people where they are and takes the time to let people go on their own journey.
- Signal your desire to connect and collaborate. Human beings are always sending and receiving signals to one another about their intent. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…” signals criticism. “You’ll never believe what I heard about so-and-so…” signals gossip. In the same way, curiosity is signaled with words and phrases like, “Let’s” “How are you feeling?” “What are your thoughts?” and “You probably have a different perspective.”
- Restrain before you explain. It’s tempting to give the answer, to solve the problem, to offer advice. While that’s sometimes what’s needed, when it comes to influencing change, people usually need to feel understood and arrive at a conclusion themselves. That’s why curious people train themselves to restrain themselves before they explain themselves.
- Ask questions that help people realize. Most people don’t ask enough questions, and when they do, they are generally more fact-finding in nature, like, “What do you need?” “What are you up to?” “What issue are you having?” “What have you tried?”
Fact-finding questions are fine, but they usually don’t influence. Research presented in my book suggests that the best influencers ask thought-provoking questions that cause people to clarify, deepen, and broaden their ideas as they contemplate their responses. Curiosity asks questions like, “How would you like this to go?” “Why is this important to you?” “What feelings are you having about this topic?”
- Use “You’d mentioned…” and “One idea might be…” At some point, people do look for advice or answers, but communicating it in the spirit of curiosity requires the right delivery. These two phrases can help structure your recommendation in a way that maximizes receptivity. By saying “You’ve mentioned,” you’re demonstrating to them that you’ve listened and you’ve remembered, and what you’re going to say next should align with their wants and needs. By saying “One idea might be,” you’re implying humility, flexibility, and openness to their perspectives and considerations.
Bing Bong finally does get up and get going, despite the persistence and protests from Joy. In fact, it’s the character representing Sadness that influences Bing Bong, through her calm, empathetic posture of curiosity. It doesn’t take a big investment of her time either. She just pauses to sit with Bing Bong without trying to rush or pressure him. She simply remains curious.
Who are you trying to influence, and how could you approach them with a more curious posture?
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