6 Important Reasons to Talk Less
Monks practice their faith with self-denial and dedicated simplicity. The original Christian monks lived in the Egyptian desert. One day, Abbot Macarius said to his fellow monks, “Brethren, flee.” Confused, one of the monks asked, “How can we fly further than this, seeing we are here in the desert?” Macarius placed his finger to his mouth and said, “Free from this.”
Choosing to remain silent is an act of leadership and influence.
Choosing to remain silent isn’t always easy, though. Richard Foster explains:
One reason we can hardly bear to remain silent is that it makes us feel so helpless. We are accustomed to relying upon words to manage and control others. A frantic stream of words flows from us in an attempt to straighten others out. We want so desperately for them to agree with us, to see things our way. We evaluate people, judge people, condemn people. We devour people with our words.
Why Stay Silent?
Certainly there are times to speak up, but remaining silent has several benefits. Silence allows you to:
- Listen to understand. Recently a colleague and I were at odds over competing interests. I was certain of the weight of my interests and that my colleague was acting irrationally. This was until I began our conversation by asking, “Can you give me your perspective on this?” And then I understood how her experiences and beliefs shaped her interests.
- Self-regulate. Usually when you talk to much it’s because you’re nervous, insecure, triggered, anxious, or flooded with adrenaline. These natural human responses can cloud your thinking and cause you to be reactive. Silence creates space to breathe, gain perspective, and consider which of your thoughts to attend to.
- Empower others. The other day my son walked in the door distraught. He’d had a bad practice. Everything in me wanted to rescue him, tell him how I’d respond, remind him that he can rebound tomorrow. Instead, my wife and I just let him process. As he essentially coached himself, we affirmed him and his plan. Now he’s a more capable person—because he problem-solved his own path.
- Transcend the noise. Many of the executives I coach tell me about their full schedule and how difficult it is to stop thinking about work. This causes them to be over focused on present challenges and under focused on present people. When you are silent, you can re-focus on the big picture—what and who matter most.
- Notice and observe. Recently I chaperoned a high school trip to Nashville. I spent hours monitoring kids and spaces. I limited my phone use, and I didn’t have any social obligation to make small talk. I discovered so many things: kids on the social margins, my own buried high school insecurities, and mature behavior that made me very optimistic about the future generation (despite popular perceptions of The Anxious Generation).
Silence is a non-anxious act of leadership. It’s the release of control and judgment.
Regardless of where you might be in your faith, take a lesson from the monks: Flee from the need to talk.
