The Most Important Communication Skill for Influence
Have you ever noticed that the lessons that serve you well in your professional life are often reinforced in the most unexpected circumstances? The other day as I was driving my daughter to school, I reminded her, “Do your best on the standardized reading test today.”
“I don’t care about the test,” she replied.
“It’s an important test that measures your progress. You’ll want to do your best,” I pressed.
“I don’t care about the test.”
I switched tacks.
“How important are your teacher and your school to you?”
“Very important! I love my teacher and my school.”
“Do you know that they are evaluated based on how well your class does on these tests?”
“Hmmm…I didn’t know that.”
“How important would it be to you to do well on the tests so that your class shows good results?”
“Very. I’ll do my best on it!”
In that moment, I remembered that my questions would have more impact than my opinions.
In fact, the ability to ask good questions has been found in multiple research studies (like this one and research described here) to be the deciding skill for influence.
The Power of Better Questions
Whether you need to influence a co-worker, a boss, a client or a family member, great questions are often much more powerful and effective than willful persuasion. Asking well-crafted questions has the power to unlock the following seven key results. The first three are more commonly understood. The final four distinguish the very best influencers.
Asking better questions:
- Shows them you care and locates common ground. Being curious, caring and empathetic builds bridges. It’s the difference between insisting “this test is important so you need to do your best” and probing “how important is it to you to contribute to your class’s good results?”
- Evaluates their ability and readiness to change. Questions have an evaluative nature, revealing people’s capacity and willingness to mobilize. Understanding where they are in terms of taking action or changing course helps you decide how much energy invest.
- Discovers their desires so you can align your recommendations. When you find the nail, people will be ready for the hammer. For instance, I needed to figure out my daughter’s motivation for doing well on her test before my recommendation would resonate with her.
- Uncovers root causes that are contributing to the presenting problems. Good questions go beyond symptoms; they search for the factors that produce the symptoms. Getting to the source of the problem allows for a more complete understanding of what you’re trying to influence—and opens up a more effective path to resolving the issue.
- Clarifies key priorities to refer to in future communications. Think of that big revelation from my daughter: “I love my teacher and my school.” Once you’ve isolated someone’s “why,” you can keep pointing back to it in order to engage and motivate. Understanding what’s important to them enables you to personalize and target your approach.
- Involves them in the plan forward so they own it. Dale Carnegie said, “People support a world they help create.” In other words, do more asking and listening than talking and telling. When people arrive at conclusions themselves, they are five times more likely to support them.
- Helps them realize that status quo is unacceptable. And that’s a huge motivator. The best influencers ask questions that help other people come to new and deeper realizations about the value of change and commitment.
Telling, explaining, rationalizing, defending and arguing have a low probability of success in convincing others. If you want to truly lead with influence, work on asking even better questions.
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