The Simple, Inevitable Truth About Everyone
Flawless. That was my impression of this executive after our first few meetings. He had exceptional integrity, personality, decision-making ability, and everything else to be successful in life.
Then I spent more time with him.
I discovered that he avoids conflict and can be overly harsh when challenged. Not surprisingly, these tendencies had contributed to difficult dynamics at work and in his personal life.
It was a good reminder for me that everyone is dysfunctional.
Spend enough time with anyone and you’ll see it.
Every relationship, every hire, every boss, every teammate—eventually, they will reveal their dysfunction.
When they do, you have a choice: You can either reject them, work around the dysfunction, or do something about it.
Since dysfunction is a part of being human, it makes sense to learn how to respond to it in a way that’s helpful for everyone.
Feedback or coaching may be productive. But you may not be in a position to speak directly to the person about their dysfunction, and they may not be ready to hear it.
In that case, here’s what to do:
The 3 Steps to Handling People’s Dysfunction
1.Accept reality. One of Dale Carnegie’s best principles for managing stress and anxiety is “Cooperate with the inevitable.” What’s inevitable? That everyone is dysfunctional. Don’t be disappointed or surprised when you see it.
Page 449 in the book Alcoholics Anonymous reads, “…And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”
Embracing that mindset allows you to remain connected with people despite their dysfunction. It also reduces your agitation and anxiety when you have to deal with it.
2.Focus on what you appreciate. In the best book ever on people skills, Dale Carnegie begins with this two-step approach: First, refrain from criticism, judgment, and complaint (accept reality), then, honestly and sincerely appreciate the other person despite their flaws. Appreciating someone makes them feel good about you and themselves.
Perhaps even more importantly, it helps you focus less on their dysfunction and more on their value.
Pay attention to strengths and potential instead of deficits. Look at the glass half-full rather than half-empty. This is what’s referred to as Asset-Based Thinking (ABT), which is a mindset shift proven to strengthen resilience, relationships, and performance and is essential for thriving amid dysfunction.
3.Improve yourself. After accepting the things you cannot change, the Serenity Prayer asks to have “the courage to change the things [you] can.”
Do you know the one thing you and I have the most power to change?
Ourselves.
Someone said something to me the other day that I completely disagreed with. “What!?” I thought. “How could she think that’s true!?”
I started preparing my arguments. I got ready for the attack.
Then I caught myself. I took a breath, and I said to myself, “Self, you get defensive easily, and it’s happening now. Maybe you should use this as a chance to be less anxious about being right. Perhaps you could respond in a more thoughtful way to strengthen your relationship with her and have a productive conversation about this topic.”
Regardless of whether she was right or wrong, I had work to do, and I needed to make that the priority.
Do you remember the theme song from the “Lego Movie,” Everything is Awesome?
Well, not everything in life is awesome. The truth is: Everyone is dysfunctional.
But you can have an awesome response to the dysfunction by (1) accepting reality, (2) focusing on what you appreciate, and (3) improving yourself.
That executive who initially seemed so flawless? He and I now have a great working and personal relationship, despite our mutual dysfunction.
Are you ready to improve how you handle the fact that everyone is dysfunctional?
