How to Give Advice Disguised as a Question
When is a question more than just a question?
Here’s a good example: Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist? That’s actually advice disguised as a question. The problem is, rather than generating dialogue, these kinds of questions often elicit a defense like: I’ve tried…I’ve thought of that…That won’t work because…
Do you ever ask questions designed to get the other person to see your perspective, rather than out of genuine curiosity and exploration?
For one of my clients — a group of technology leaders — it’s important to be able to build collaborative partnerships with non-technology leaders, vendors, and direct reports. But these leaders are wired to solve problems and create solutions. Slowing down communication to get others to buy in feels uncomfortable. So recently, we practiced asking each other questions to generate dialogue rather than defense.
The initial attempts sounded like this:
Wouldn’t it be a good idea to balance short-term and long-term priorities?
Have you thought about it this way?
Do you think we could do this?
After realizing these questions might put someone on the defensive, we shifted to more open questions like:
What are your thoughts on the balance between short-term and long-term priorities?
How do you see it?
What ideas do you have about how we might approach this?
The difference comes down to taking the time to be a bit more curious rather than jumping straight to the advice.
With Influence, Slow is Fast. Fast is Slow.
But wait, back up a minute. Why would you want to slow down communication with curiosity-based rather than advice-based questions? If you know what someone should do, shouldn’t you get them to realize it as efficiently as possible?
Psychologists explain why slow is fast through the theory of reactance. Reactance theory suggests that people will tend to shut down or take a contrary view to what was intended when their behavioral freedoms are threatened. If someone feels their choices are being taken away or limits are being placed on their range of alternatives, they back away. People who use reverse psychology, for instance, leverage the theory of reactance as they try to get someone to choose the opposite of what they propose.
Framing advice in a question isn’t sneaky enough to get away with it in most cases. Well, actually, it did work for a while with my kids: Wouldn’t you like to be a big girl and eat your veggies? But at four years old, even my youngest child is catching on: You think you know what’s best for me, but I think I know myself better. She sees through my reactance-generating technique, and she’s telling me to take a couple of minutes to understand her point of view, and then I’ll benefit from ongoing cooperation.
What’s the Purpose of Curiosity Questions?
When you get people talking, are you just patronizing them so that they’ll come to the proper conclusion? Ideally, no, because that’s manipulative. Instead, listen for the four factors that will drive their choices: (These come from Dale Carnegie sales training.)
- What they want. This, typically, is not the actual solution to their problem. It’s the outcome of the solution. People don’t want change and discomfort, they want results. Find out what they’re trying to achieve.
- Why they want it. Behind the outcome is a deeper reason. It’s personal. Sometimes it’s selfish or self-protective, other times altruistic or transcendent. It’s what Simon Sinek refers to as the Power of Why.
- What’s constraining change? Every belief or change must be attained through limits. Find out what’s inhibiting progress. What’s the context in which they are operating?
- What are the other considerations? What else is at stake? Politics or preference? Many cognitive biases impact the way people think about their decisions.
The next time you think you have the answer or know the way forward, pause. Ask curiosity-based questions rather than advice-based questions. This will draw people toward you and your ideas, ultimately getting everyone to a better place. Slow is fast. Fast is slow.
How are you giving advice to others? What are you recommending?
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