How to Become Less Self-Conscious
Imagine you’re out with a group of friends. How much thought are you giving to how you’re being perceived?
Consider a work meeting. How often are you thinking about what people think about you? How much are you evaluating your own behaviors?
Those are questions psychology expert and professor Mark Snyder has studied for three decades. He discovered that everyone falls on a scale between low and high self-monitoring.
High self-monitors have more concern for social expectations and interpersonal cues. When they pick up cues of approval, disapproval, or expectations, they’re able to adjust behavior. Dr. Snyder’s research indicates that high self-monitors are often more successful because of this social agility.
Low self-monitors, on the other hand, don’t think as much about how their behavior or words might come across to others. They tend to be fairly set in how they show up to the world and stick with people who appreciate them for who they are.
High Self-Monitoring = High Self-Consciousness
If you’re a high self-monitor like me, you know that the propensity to adjust your behavior based on social cues can come with a cost: self-consciousness. Thoughts like the following can be helpful but also unsettling.
How did I come across? How did I make that person feel? What do they think of me?
Too many of these thoughts can increase anxiety and diminish your natural, authentic self. It can feel, at times, like you’re living in a prison of preoccupation.
So, while there are definite positives to being a high self-monitor, it’s helpful to have strategies to ensure it doesn’t get out of control. The key, if you’re a high self-monitor, is to hold on to your true self while remaining flexible to meet people where they are.
How to Break Free from Caring What Others Think about You
Loosening the psychological demands of high self-monitoring has been a lifelong journey for me. Here’s what I’ve discovered:
- Every social interaction requires a “holding onto self.” The primary challenge for high self-monitors is to remain clear on who you are. When I was younger, high self-monitoring often led me to literally sacrifice my values, ethics, and interests for the “good” of the group. This leads to a loss of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-definition. While I’m much clearer on who I am today than I was in high school, it’s still tempting to say “yes” to invitations I don’t want to accept, talk like I’m interested in things I’m really not, and laugh at jokes that I don’t think are really funny. It requires a constant reminder of who I am (my values, interests, and preferences) and that I have value regardless of the reaction of others.
- Concern becomes neurotic when we can’t release it. Concern about the feelings of others can be quite empathetic and helpful in influence situations. The issue arises when you can’t let go of how you think others perceive you. Like any form of worry, it’s important to do what Dale Carnegie advised: Decide just how much anxiety a thing may be worth—and refuse to give it any more. The concern may be worth something, but certainly not constant rumination. Release the thoughts of Did I offend her? Why did I say that? It’s just not worth it.
- Remember that high monitoring has its benefits. Give yourself some love and remind yourself that you were made to self-monitor and that is good. My friend, who is a low self-monitor, often tells me he wishes he was more sensitive to other people’s feelings like I am. “Normy, you’re great,” he’ll say. “Don’t change the way you are.” The high self-monitors keep social decorum, notice the marginalized in a group setting, and contribute to group cohesion.
- Nothing is better than a focus on the other. Perhaps the best way to break free from the suffocating effects of high self-monitoring is to proactively engage in high others-monitoring. In other words, intentionally focus your thoughts on the cares and concerns of the other person—not so that you can adjust your behavior to accommodate them, but just to be present for them.
Suspend your thoughts about what to say, what question to ask, or how your facial expression should look. Instead, just listen. Just focus on them. Just let their emotions fill your mind. Don’t give yourself space to think about yourself. When you focus on the other instead of yourself, your behavior will naturally and appropriately follow. It’s like breathing. Don’t force it. Just get into the oxygen and the breathing will happen.
The world needs both high and low self-monitors. If you’re a high self-monitor, cherish it and move beyond the anxiety that it can bring.
How will you be a more effective self-monitor or coach someone else in this area?
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