Building Trust and Transparency in Your Relationships Like Lucy van Pelt
This time of year, I love to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” where I affirm my admiration for Lucy van Pelt. She’s clever and direct as she operates her children’s psychiatric booth, offering psychoanalysis for a nickel to her anxious friends. This makes her the only friend in Peanuts that other kids open up to.
“I feel depressed. I know I should be happy, but I’m not,” Charlie Brown confides in Lucy.
Despite being difficult, bossy, and sometimes downright mean, her friends seem to trust her. They will talk about things to her that they don’t talk about with anyone else.
Wouldn’t you love for your clients, colleagues, family, and friends to talk with you about the things they usually keep protected inside? It might just lead to greater trust and understanding.
Just like Lucy, we can all achieve this level of transparency with others — even as flawed and difficult people ourselves sometimes.
I speak from personal experience. In high school, I was voted most likely to be a talk show host. Somehow, when my friends thought of me, they thought of people like Montel Williams, Phil Donahue, and Oprah Winfrey. Certainly, each of them is flawed in many ways. But they all got people to talk. And so did I.
I had a good role model. My mom did this really well as she’d listen to me talk about my hopes, fears, and problems while I paced around the kitchen. I was also fortunate to have a couple friends who did it well too. “Go on,” they’d encourage me. “Tell it like it really is. I won’t judge you.” I appreciated how people made me feel when they gave me permission to open up.
Those friends are hard to come by.
I eventually got involved in the high school campus Peer Counselors program and became a student of how to listen and create a psychologically safe place for people to get real and open.
Six Tips for Encouraging People to Open Up
As a tribute to Lucy van Pelt, here are six keys I’ve learned about how to get people to open up (all demonstrated by Lucy herself):
- Position yourself to help. Lucy sets up a spot in the snow for her friends to come talk about their problems, and she opens conversations with “May I help you?” It’s a posture and place of invitation. Do people find your desk, your voice, or your workplace inviting to open up?
- Ask open, curious questions. We were coached to do this as much as possible in Peer Counseling. Lucy asks Charlie Brown, “What seems to be your trouble?” A different question might be, “How have you been feeling lately?”
- Affirm people in their vulnerability. Without rescuing and minimizing people’s issues, it’s helpful to validate positives. This can be a short reflection like, “You’re brave to confront that issue,” or “That shows a lot of self-awareness on your part.” Lucy, though not perfect, is on the right track when she tells Charlie Brown, “The fact that you realize you have an issue indicates you’re not too far gone!”
- Give people language. Often times, people experience or feel something but can’t categorize or name it. They describe how they’re feeling but don’t have clarity until they can diagnose it — like, “I have the flu.” It can be helpful to reflect back to people what you’re hearing and seeing by saying, “I’m hearing you say you’re frustrated,” or “It seems like you’re really sad.” Lucy explains to Charlie, “If we can find out what you’re afraid of, we can label it.”
- Offer tangible support. After listening to Charlie Brown talk about his depression, Lucy realizes that he would benefit from being more involved, so she invites him to help with the Christmas pageant. Trusted colleagues, friends, and counselors don’t just listen; they think about how they can help without seeming preachy or judgmental.
- Show them that being vulnerable is being human. Lucy walks away with Charlie saying, “I know how you feel. It happens to me every year.” Clearly Charlie finds this to be reassuring. Remind people that you’re with them, not just listening to them. Modeling vulnerability shows people that you’re human, too, and that it’s safe to open up.
Whether your inspiration is Lucy or Oprah, imagine if more of your friends, co-workers, and family members regularly said to you, “I feel like I could tell you anything.” Imagine the increased trust we might have and the additional value we’d bring others.
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