The Value of Good Advice in Your Relationships
Over the holiday weekend, I got to connect with my dad, who spent his entire career speaking and coaching adults to develop more effective relationships using the Dale Carnegie concepts and methods. We talked about my dad’s belief that we all have levels of relationship “capital” in invisible bank accounts that exist between people. Our ability to connect, influence, and lead others depends upon the levels of relationship capital we’ve built in these accounts.
He explains that some accounts begin with assumed levels of capital because of membership in a family, group, or organization, or because of reputation or credentials. Regardless of whether the account begins full or empty, though, we can’t take it for granted. Unless intentional effort is made to build it, relationship capital tends to diminish over time.
When we were together this weekend, my dad reflected a bit on how he has personally learned to build relationship capital. I hope these reflections provide some perspective to you also:
My Own Advice-Giving Experience
Years ago, one of my managers would frequently come to me with questions. I had gotten into a pattern of answering the question with advice like, “Here’s what you should do.” And because he’s an agreeable guy, he’d always thank me and walk away. The problem was, he didn’t always do the things I suggested.
A few years later, he left to run his own company. Almost immediately he began doing some very creative things to improve his own business. This caused me to realize that I hadn’t done much to strengthen his confidence and willingness to take risks to improve our business when we worked together. Even though he asked for it, the advice I’d been giving hadn’t strengthened our relationship.
Advice is often perceived as a form of criticism. When we try to give someone an answer or tell them what we think they “ought” to do, the person may become defensive – whether they reveal it or not. That’s because advice challenges the person’s identity as being capable, and it suggests that the person isn’t able to arrive at the right answer themselves. In other words, they feel, “You must not think I’m smart enough to come up with this answer myself,” or “You must not think it’s worth the time to let me grow.” While it’s faster than asking questions and collaborative problem solving, it doesn’t feel like a partnership.
Even though the advice-giver is trying to do good, they are creating deficits in the relationship account. Often this happens to the point where people avoid one another. Have you ever not wanted to spend time with someone because you anticipated it would involve some advice, judgment, or criticism? People may be well intended, but it can destroy a relationship.
Working in the Dale Carnegie business helped me realize this. Specifically, Carnegie’s human relations principles — after I studied and worked to apply them for many years — became a manifesto for how to build relationship capital.
The Four Principles
Dale Carnegie’s human relations principles aren’t independent ideas; they are a holistic relationship plan. Principle #1 is don’t criticize, condemn, or complain, which is tied to principle #2 which is to appreciate a person’s strengths and capability. And that leads to principle #3 which is to arouse in the other person an eager want, which is the goal in the relationship — for someone to want to do something rather than feel obligated or pressured into doing something.
That leads to principle #4 which is to become genuinely interested in the other person. To motivate someone to want to change, move, or grow, you have to really get interested in what they are interested in rather than being interested in your own advice, ideas, or opinions.
If I’m concerned about a relationship with someone who’s not responding the way I’d like, or the relationship isn’t as strong as I’d like, I try to start by avoiding advice or judgment, as that’s a form of criticism. Then, I really look at their strengths, and approach them on that basis. When you do that, you’re better positioned to work together or motivate them in a positive direction.
How are you proactively building relationship capital in your most important relationships?
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