Strengthen Your Relationships With These Conflict Resolution Techniques
Think of a recent example of interpersonal conflict in your life that did not go well. If you’re like most people, conflict can often lead to resentment and frustration. After all, it’s only natural to power up or shut down when conflict arises. We see it all the time in society. And, it’s in our biology.
Our Bodies’ Natural Conflict Resolution Techniques
When you perceive a threat, your amygdala sends a distress signal to the hypothalamus, which activates your nervous system and adrenal glands. Those glands circulate adrenaline through the bloodstream, increasing blood flow and the pace of your breathing. That physiological response prompts you to run at or away from the threat.
Helpful if the threat is a dangerous animal. Not so much if it’s a colleague or family member.
This threat response can surface in even subtle, mundane circumstances. I know it all too well. Just last week, for instance, a client gave me her opinion about one of our company’s products — a leadership development course — confidently telling me, “Here’s who that course is good for.”
I totally disagreed and unexpectedly found my voice getting faster and louder. It was tense. But I also knew that I needed to get a handle on it. On one hand, I believed strongly in my position. On the other, this was an important relationship — not one I wanted to damage.
Maintaining Presence in the Midst of Conflict
Rather than powering up or shutting down on people, it’s better to stay fully present with them. This means you’re engaged, listening, and solid in your convictions while remaining flexible in your perspective. Consider these six keys to maintaining your presence in the midst of conflict.
- Reframe discussions from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.” Too often, conflict is perceived as oppositional rather than collaborative. So, for example, when someone recently told me that my fee was too high for a project, I said, “It sounds like what we need to do together is come to an investment amount that works for both of us.” Notice the pronoun use? This approach, popular in negotiation theory, will refresh perception.
- Replace “no/but/however.” Did you know that “BUT” really is an acronym? It stands for “before the ultimate truth”! In other words, it psychologically negates whatever was said before it. It shuts down dialogue rather than opens it up. Words like “no” and “however” usually do the same. Try replacing these words with a pause or the word “and.” Take a page from improv comedy. Build on what others say rather than tearing it down.
- Use conversational vs. directive language. “Conversational” begins with the Latin prefix “con,” which means “with.” Talk with people rather than at them. Directive language is talking at someone by telling them what they should or shouldn’t do. That said, avoiding directive language doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be direct. Be clear and to the point whenever possible. Just don’t be bossy.
- Remain warm and friendly. Once, I was really frustrated with a co-worker over who should get credit for a piece of work. We scheduled a meeting to settle the issue, and I was coming in hot. Before the meeting, though, a wise counselor asked me, “What kind of relationship do you want with this person over the long term?” I said I wanted a healthy working relationship. So, this wise counselor said, “How can you make your good intentions for the relationship totally apparent through your words, tone, and actions?” That changed how I composed myself in that meeting.
- Appeal to noble motives. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie says that we can often transcend competing priorities when we focus the conversation on the bigger cause. What is it that we can both agree on? What priority or principle matters to both of us? When you remind yourself and others of the higher aim, you lessen your need to win every argument and increase your ability to listen to others’ point of view.
- Respond vs. react. You want to respond to medication, not react to it. Likewise, you want to respond to people in the midst of conflict, not react to them. The difference? Responding is thoughtful and considerate. Reacting is impulsive and emotional.
Beyond these strategies, find ways to calm yourself when you’re tempted to power up or shut down. Consider these additional four strategies to stay calm.
Don’t make the excuse that you just “don’t do conflict well.” You have the ability to manage yourself. You don’t have to do conflict the way your parents did it or the way you’ve always done it. You can and should do conflict well, as it’s part of the human experience. The world desperately needs people to do conflict well.
What relationships produce the most conflict or tension for you right now?
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