Defined by Choices
A Native American parable tells of a boy who asks his grandfather about pain and fighting in the world. His grandfather explains that we all have two wolves in our heart, battling each other to the death: one wolf represents hope, joy, peace and love whereas the other wolf represents fear, anxiety, hatred and darkness. “Which one wins?” the boy asks. To which the grandfather replies, “The one that we feed.”
One night this week, the second I hit the bed, my phone was screaming at me to pick it up one more time to check email, Twitter, Facebook, Feedly and ESPN. A mundane, split-second choice that I resisted. So I lay there. Seconds later I thought about something I said in a board meeting I wished I had said differently. I turned it over in my mind wondering what other people thought of me. A mundane, split-second choice of whether or not to dwell on my mistake or accept my grandfather’s advice to “not worry about what other people think about you, because other people don’t think about you.” So I lay there. Seconds later I thought about our company sales performance this month. It gave me a rush to think about the successes we had. I started to turn the success over in my mind wondering how much our team could accomplish. A mundane, split-second choice of whether or not to revel in the success or be grateful and let it pass.
Thousands of choices every day create a trajectory toward life or death. As we increasingly blend work and life, our choices are critical:
1. Listen to the voices. Last Sunday evening, the yoga instructor explained at the start of the class that “no music would be played, which would likely result in periodic feelings of impatience, aggravation and restlessness during the practice”. She coached us to pay attention to these thoughts and feelings, consider their source and persist through them. Listening and watching creates awareness of our thoughts and emotions and awareness develops discernment.
2. Don’t dwell on it. The Minnesota Twins’ rookie center-fielder Aaron Hicks was interviewed after a baseball game this week where he dropped a fly ball. The interviewer pushed for remorse and shame. Hicks said plainly, “I dropped it and that happens.” In the mundane and in the spotlight, we have a choice of whether we turn over thoughts in our mind that deplete us or esteem us. Too many turns in our mind – good or bad – can make us self-absorbed and empty.
3. Choose consolation over comfort. Ignatius taught that we should pay attention to the “movements of our soul”. He said that our soul can move to “consolation” where we feel alive and connected to others or to “desolation” where we are restless, anxious and cut-off. Sometimes, we can feel desolate in the midst of comfort or pleasure. We can also experience great consolation in the midst of pain and suffering. The lesson of Ignatius is to carefully discern and pursue that which leads to consolation, which may initially seem less comfortable or pleasurable.
Please take a moment to comment on choices you are or need to be making to live and lead more fully.
Matt, this blog is so timely for me. Given the recent push/pull in my life and seeking to balance both the personal and professional parts, I’ve realized I need to forgive myself for self-perceived “dropped-balls” – moments I didn’t reach out, things I should have taken a moment to say in a more tactful way, dinner I should have dropped off to a friend with a new baby. I used to allow these things to chew away at me, undermining the opportunities to focus on what was going well, what I was achieving etc – stealing away the happy. I’m choosing to acknowledge where I can improve, but not dwelling on it – mindful living.
Thank you for your comment Pat. Your insight on “self-forgiveness” is powerful.
I create graphics for architects, it is my own small
business out of San Diego and Matt is my brother in law. Sparing the details, it has been an extremely
challenging year for me. The other night
I received an email from a particularly difficult client about a project that
had not gone well for multiple reasons, including faults on my side and
theirs. In the email, the client
included an email she had received from the end customer that basically stated
“to be honest, I’ll never use this guy again!,” and “his work is
a c+ at best. This was an internal email
that the client chose to share with me so that I would KNOW the customer was disappointed. It was not meant for me to see, however the
designer was problematic, and unprofessional
from the beginning and it truly showed here.
This took the wind out of me, as it was the night before I
was about to “pound the pavement”, putting a smile on my face and
walk door to door marketing my product to local Architecture firms. It was the first time I had seen or heard
such feedback on my work product. That
night, the wrong wolf was well fed.
In the morning, as I awoke I checked my phone and my mother had
sent me a link to this blog that could not have been more appropriate. I made a VERY CONSCIOUS effort to feed the
right wolf that day, not dwell on it, and choose consolation. My cold calls went marginally that day,
however the entire time I force-feeding the right wolf.
However I want to make something very clear. This was an exhausting task as when I would
feed the right wolf, the wrong wolf that represents fear, anxiety, hatred and
darkness was right next to him, yelping and licking his chops. The wrong wolf was hungry and knew that I
could be persuaded. Point being, this is
an excellent lesson this blog however it is by no means easy to practice. However I appreciate the wise words Matt, and
know that practice makes perfect, and just like muscle memory with enough
practice your mind can make this a habit.
And this will undoubtedly be a very valuable asset to have in a
difficult world.
Thanks again Matt for the wise words. They could not have come at a better time.
Mark, your comments are so powerful in their honesty and relevance. Thank you for building on this post with very real and raw examples of mental choices and how difficult it can be to “feed the right wolf”. Also your specific example of using CBT to be more intentional in our thoughts is very helpful. Proud to be your bro-in-law. Thanks for reading the blog.