Do People Think You Show Too Little or Too Much Emotion?
Recently, I watched a colleague present at a conference, and something about the presentation moved me. The passion, the mastery of the material, the risk this person took to be on stage — it all just hit me. Suddenly, my chest felt full and tears started streaming out of the corner of my eyes.
And then I felt self-conscious. Something long trained in me, perhaps from other boys on the playground, wished I wasn’t crying and wondered what the people on either side of me were thinking. Was it appropriate to be showing emotion? Should I have felt freer to cry in public?
Contrast that experience with a difficult call I had recently with a supplier. His lack of flexibility and unwillingness to compromise made me very angry. Suddenly, my chest felt tight and I raised my voice, letting him have it.
Actually, that’s not what happened. Something long trained in me, perhaps from being raised in a family that valued calm and getting along, remained steady and composed until the end of the call. Was that the right response? Should I have been more fully authentic about my feelings?
Showing Emotion: When, Where & How Far?
When is it appropriate to show emotion, and how far should you go?
I’ve studied and considered this question extensively, and here are five ideas I’ve landed on:
- Showing emotions fosters human connection. Mirror neurons in your brain cause you to reflect what others are feeling. When someone else cries, for instance, it triggers a similar response in you. Depending on the situation and your empathy, that response can have varying levels of intensity.
When you show emotions, it endears you to others. It’s why people tend to remember presentations (eulogies, wedding toasts, CEO presentations, etc.) more vividly when the speaker gets emotional. - Emotions can make it hard to communicate. In two-way dialogue, emotions can also get in the way. Sometimes, emotions can prompt a fear response in your amygdala, sending you into fight, flight, or freeze mode. If your boss’s anxiety reminds you of your mom’s anxiety that caused you fear as a child, it might strike a nerve.
This is why the core tenants of emotional intelligence, according to the bestselling Emotional Intelligence 2.0, include self-awareness and self-management. Understand how your emotions impact others and manage them accordingly.
- There’s a difference between getting emotional and communicating emotion. Harvard negotiation expert and author Sheila Heen explains that it’s often more productive to explain your emotion than to show it. So, rather than acting frustrated through facial expression, tone of voice, and dramatic words, you can simply state that you are frustrated. This will likely reduce the fight, flight, or freeze response in others, while still building empathy and understanding.
Describing your emotions is a higher-level skill than showing your emotions. But it’s one that you can build.
- Reconsider societal expectations. Most people have been programmed to show or not show emotion based on their culture, gender, or family of origin. While it’s helpful to understand societal expectations, it’s also important to reconsider the ways in which they may limit your impact. Just because kids would make fun of you for crying on the playground, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t now cry with a colleague.
- Think more about others than yourself. How do you decide when to get emotional, when to describe your emotions, and when to remain stoic altogether? Sometimes you can’t. The emotions just come. That’s part of being human and authentic with others. That said, the best question for making the right judgment is: What’s helpful to the other person(s) in this situation? It’s the central question of human relationships.
Resist the temptation to say, I’m just wired to show [or not show] emotion. You can grow your emotional self to have healthier, more impactful relationships.
How will you improve your savvy about showing your emotions?
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