Finding the Balance between Being Direct and Being Nice
A colleague noticed the vibe of a leadership team conference call getting tense. One of the leaders was asking implicating questions to other leaders in an attempt to shift the blame for his issue onto them. He ultimately succeeded in doing so, and those he singled out quickly shut down, feeling frustrated.
After the call, one of the leaders who wasn’t directly involved in the exchange felt she needed to tell this instigating leader how his approach made others disengage. She gently invited him into a conference room.
“On that conference call, when you put your colleagues on the spot in front of everyone, it probably made them feel embarrassed and not supported by you. I don’t think you intended that. You worked hard on this project and you were frustrated that the other leaders didn’t come through. I would be too. I wonder, though, if you’d have had a better outcome had you been more straightforward and just said that you were frustrated because they didn’t follow-through as you’d expected.”
You can imagine how uncomfortable and inconvenient it must have been to give this feedback. But she went through with it anyway, and the leader appreciated her candor.
“Thank you,” he responded. “You’re right, I was too passive-aggressive. I really need to work on that.”
This story was a good reminder for me that when you’re direct and honest, even when it’s hard, you’re telling the other person, “You’re worth the discomfort I have with hard conversations.” It’s something I’m continuing to work on.
Whether peer-to-peer, boss-to-employee, coach-to-player, parent-to-child, owner-to-pet or neighbor-to-neighbor, being straightforward and clear, when it’s done well and meant to be helpful, is a good way to build trust and performance.
Last week, when I wrote about how a culture of “being nice” might be contributing to the low levels of employee engagement in Minnesota, the overwhelming response I heard was, “You can be nice AND straightforward!”
I wholeheartedly agree. To help strike that balance, it seems to me we need to be:
1. Decisive. Hard words need to come clean and quick. Delaying, demurring and debating will usually just confuse the message.
2. Consistent. Trust grows when our boundaries and expectations remain constant.
3. Direct. Being “direct” is different from being “directive.” “Direct” is being straightforward. “Directive” is being bossy.
4. Issue-focused. Tackle the ball, not the player. Focus feedback on observable behavior rather than conjecture or personality.
5. Gracious. Affirm the worthiness of another while being direct. Straightforward should never be shaming.
It’s so hard to do this well. We’re either too direct or too nice. How do you strike the balance?
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