Fully Owning How Others Experience You
- I think you’re being overly sensitive.
- You took it the wrong way!
- Well, I only said that because…
- I’ve already apologized. What else do you want from me?
- Why do you have to be so critical?
- That’s not really what I meant.
- Ok, maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but…
- That IS what I said!
What do these messages have in common?
They all rationalize the experience of others.
While they may be well intentioned, they fundamentally are constructed to:
Self-protect
rather than
Fully own how others experience you.
To “fully own” means to evaluate yourself not just on your intentions and explanations but also on how you make others feel.
Why is this so difficult?
Because you are hard-wired to self-protect. It’s your pride, your ego, your brain’s amygdala, even your own ignorance that fears being rejected and hates disapproval.
Why is it so important to own the experiences others have of you?
Because when others don’t think you’re fully owning the way they experience you, they conclude that you lack:
- Awareness – clarity about how others perceive you
- Empathy – appreciation for how others feel
- Understanding – affirmation and validation of others’ experiences
- Humility – willingness to admit faults and flaws
- Courage – bravery to show vulnerabilities
When people conclude, even if just for the moment, that you’re lacking any of these qualities, they fear that you are:
- Unsafe: Your behavior may be inconsistent, untrustworthy, or aggressive because you may be trying to hold on to power in the interaction.
- Not listening: You may have limited willingness and ability to truly hear the other person and what they are trying to communicate.
- Not compassionate: You may not really care, which makes others feel less valued.
- Inflexible: You may be set on YOUR WAY rather than bending to the needs, desires, preferences and styles of others.
What do you do then?
How should you respond to others when they experience you in a suboptimal way, when you hurt someone, when there’s a misunderstanding, when someone gives you feedback?
First, embrace a growth mindset. Assume that EVERYONE has flaws and failures, and EVERYONE can use them as opportunities to improve.
Second, amplify the other person’s feedback and feelings. To amplify isn’t to alter or add to the experience someone has of you; it’s to fully admit and acknowledge it — even if you disagree, don’t understand, or think you’ve already apologized. Here’s how that might sound:
It sounds like what I said caused a lot of confusion and frustration. I’ll bet if I were listening to me, I might be confused and frustrated too! Please, tell me more about how my communication was perceived.
Yeah, that’s awful to feel that way. My actions here were a fail. They didn’t have the result I wanted. Can you say more about how you experienced my actions?
Even if you still think you were justified. Even if you think you were right to say what you said. Even if the other person totally misunderstands, misinterprets, or responds in an unexpected way…
You can still fully own how others experience you.
Not partially own, with a caveat like, “But I wouldn’t have said that if…”
Fully own.
Make an unqualified acknowledgement of what others perceive.
When you fully own how others experience you, you’ll grow, build trust, and reduce the tension around you.
What experience have others had of you recently that you could more fully own?
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