How Criticism Poses a Threat to Your Relationships
Criticism: The expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes. Sometimes that’s a verbal punch to the face. It may be a facial expression of disapproval or a tone of voice that betrays annoyance. Perhaps it’s a passive/aggressive comment. You might not realize that you’re delivering criticism, but your expression of disapproval may be getting unintended results.
You might think, well, criticism is a part of life. People can learn from criticism. And a mature person should be able to handle criticism without getting defensive or taking it personally.
That’s probably all true…at a cost. The next time you’re tempted to express your disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes, just consider the cost criticism has on relationships.
The Threat Perception
I’ve long considered why the first principle in Dale Carnegie’s seminal book on relationships and influence is this:
Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
The first principle in one of the most widely read books about relationships in history.
Why?
Perhaps a clue comes from research by Dr. Martin Paulus and his team at the Laureate Institute for Brain Research. They’ve found that your brain automatically perceives criticism as a threat to your survival (human’s most basic instinct). The threat perception, as a result, causes other functional parts of your brain to shut down, making it much harder to think and connect with others.
“When you hear a criticism — say somebody says to you, ‘You suck as an actor’ — that word ‘suck’ immediately gets translated from hearing it as a word, to something that is a threat to you,” Dr. Paulus explains.
According to Dr. Paulus, at least two regions of the brain — the amygdala and the medial prefrontal cortex — work harder when processing criticism, which limits the brain from doing much else.
“If I engage the brain in criticism, and it’s really working hard on that criticism, it can’t work on anything else, it becomes all-consuming,” he says.
So that’s part of the cost.
The other cost comes in most people’s conscious or unconscious response to the person initiating the threat. It requires enormous meta-cognition to resist the fight/flight/freeze response and not view the initiator of the threat as a threatening person.
In other words, when your boss, partner, or mother-in-law expresses disapproval of you based on perceived faults or mistakes, it’s very difficult to say to yourself, “Self, that’s helpful feedback that I can learn from. Besides, this person criticizing me probably isn’t trying to hurt me. And even if they are, I’m going to love them anyway.”
That response is possible for a well-rested, well-fed, highly differentiated person. But put someone desiring approval or someone who’s mentally fatigued or low on energy into the mix and, well, forget about it. They will go on the defensive, retreat, or be rendered virtually incapable of most cognitive function.
How to Give Criticism
What do you do, then, if you perceive faults or mistakes? When and how is it productive to point it out?
- When you have permission. Permission can be implicitly granted to, say, a coach. When an athlete practices with a coach, they expect to get feedback on mistakes. The key is for the coach to observe behavior without being judgmental or shaming. “You’re a terrible golfer,” is not productive coaching. If you’re not a formal coach, you can ask for permission…carefully. “Would you be open to some feedback?” is usually not a safe question. Instead, you might say, “How would you feel about us talking about what’s working and not working right now?” For more ideas on approaching others in a way that keeps them open, check out the phenomenal book Nonviolent Communication.
- When they know you are for them. The best way to assure someone that you are not a threat is to show them you’re on their side. You can do this by reiterating shared objectives, telling them what you do value about their contributions, and maintaining a humble posture in the interaction. That means asking and listening more than talking, speaking with a calm and assuring voice, and managing your facial expressions to convey friendliness and care. This makes it especially important to handle sensitive dialogue live rather than in writing.
- When their fault or mistake causes a clear and present issue. Some actions need immediate criticism despite the reaction the person may have because they’re harming someone. If a surgeon is making a mistake on the operating table and the nurse sees it, the nurse should point it out. If someone engages in unhealthy or inappropriate behavior, they should be called on it.
Again, though, try to do it gently to minimize a fight/flight/freeze response. If at all possible, do it as someone did to me when I arrived late for the second time I met with him. Calmly he said to me, “Matt, my time is valuable. I don’t appreciate it when you arrive late. Please arrive on time in the future.” Point fully taken.
Yes, criticism is everywhere, and it is helpful to mature your response to it. But that shouldn’t be the only justification to deliver it. Instead, carefully consider the cost and how/when to do it. You’ll win more friends and influence more people.
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