How to Accept Yourself and Manage Your Inner Critic
“I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam,” Popeye sang.
Seems so accepting and healthy, doesn’t it?
Yet it’s tempting to expect more from ourselves than we really are.
It’s like when I took my son to play golf the other day. After he saw me beautifully hit the first three shots of the round he said, “Dad, you’re actually awesome at golf!”
To which I replied, “I can hit some awesome shots, but my trouble is consistency. You’ll hit some awesome shots today too. But we’ll both hit some terrible ones.”
I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.
Quieting the Inner Critic
While I had a healthy and accepting view of my golf game that day, I often struggle with a loud inner critic—one that has a long memory.
Over the past three weeks, that critic prompted me to remember something I said to a friend that was unnecessary. It nagged me about a presentation that I gave that could have been better. It kindly provided me with the response I should have given in a meeting but didn’t. Thank you, Inner Critic.
While the inner critic can be a helpful coach and guide, it can also be relentless and draining.
At times, it needs to be quieted and put in its place.
Here are three keys I’ve found through my life, through the coaching I do, and through research:
- Accept your limits. Just like Popeye, we are what we are: limited. While we may have idealized images of ourselves, aspirations of what we could become, or expectations others have placed on us, none of us are there yet. Probably never will be. So just remember, you are what you are right now: broken, flawed, incomplete, not yet.
- Spotlight consoling thoughts. As I’ve written in my recent book, you and I have this incredible ability to decide what thoughts we’ll spotlight. We can’t decide what thoughts enter our mind, because our executive function can’t completely control our emotions and subconscious thoughts. We can, however, make a choice about which thoughts to attend to, ruminate on, analyze and obsess over. It’s hard to let go of what Ignatius Loyola called desolate thoughts, just like it’s hard to not stare at a car wreck. But willing yourself to hold onto the consoling thoughts—that’s maturity.
- Get past your fixed mindset. My kids, like most kids, have struggled with fixed thinking: “I’m terrible at this sport!” or “I hate doing this!” So I was blown away when one of my sons recently said to me, “Dad, I’ve come up with a new motto for all those times when I’m frustrated with myself: I’m getting better.” I absolutely loved that. Imagine replacing “I suck” or “That sucked” with “I’m getting better.” Even if you’re trending downward, realize that, with most things, we can learn and grow from our failures and misses.
The next time we want to beat ourselves up about saying or doing the wrong thing, let’s remember:
You are what you are and that’s all that you are.
You can choose what thoughts to focus on.
And you are getting better.
…Here’s to accepting ourselves and managing our inner critics.
Comments are closed here.