How to Address a Lack of Communication
One day last summer, as our family was finishing up our time at the pool, my son decided to walk away and wait patiently. He never said he was leaving. Just disappeared. We weren’t scared as much as we were confused. “Where did he go!?”
Then we got frustrated. “What does he think he’s doing disappearing like that!?”
He wasn’t trying to cause confusion and frustration. He simply withdrew and assumed everyone else was clear on where he was and why he’d walked away.
Can you remember a time when you became confused and frustrated because someone wasn’t communicating with you?
It’s a pattern I see happening all the time when I coach leaders.
Withdraw > Confusion > Frustration
For example, I coached a woman who complained that her new leader was extremely busy and not very accessible.
“I don’t know what direction my leader wants to take our team or what she thinks about the work we’re doing,” she reflected.
Then she concluded, “I just don’t know how she expects us to operate under this pressure!” She was sensing a lack of communication.
I happen to know her leader. Her leader does value the work this woman does and plans to address the pressure everyone’s under.
But the leader had withdrawn into other priorities and demands.
People Have Understandable Reasons for Keeping their Distance
This leader had withdrawn from regular interactions with the team for several understandable reasons.
First, she was new to the team and was waiting to engage in their work.
Second, she was incredibly busy, moving from meeting to meeting and barely keeping up with email and other demands.
Third, she was unclear about how to address the challenges the team faced, so she wanted to wait for clarity.
Fourth, she had a different perception of reality from her team — she knew people were stressed but also thought the team was engaged and recognized for their great work.
Fifth, the leader admittedly struggles with some insecurity — what you might call imposter syndrome. “Oh, they don’t need me involved. What value could I really bring to them, anyway? They’ve been doing this much longer than I have.” This ongoing self-talk holds her back from others.
Finally, she assumed everyone knew what was going on and why she was doing what she was doing.
Which of those reasons has caused you to withdraw from others?
How to Communicate to Reduce Confusion
There are three simple steps to mitigating this unhealthy pattern in relationships:
- Regularly Assess Your Stakeholder Expectations. Notice that all the reasons listed for withdrawing from people are self-focused. Remind yourself, perhaps through time dedicated on your calendar or alerts from technology, to assess the expectations people have of you. Whether it’s your wife, your boss, a client, or a teammate, ask yourself, Based on their current situation and needs, what do they expect from me?
- Confirm Expectations and Choices. While this takes extra time and energy on the front end, it pays off over time! Simply acknowledge expectations with stakeholders early and often, then tell them what you’re choosing to do. For instance, all my son needed to do was swing by to say he realizes we’re all leaving the pool at the same time, but he’s choosing to sit and wait until others are ready. Likewise, the leader we’ve mentioned could have affirmed the needs the group has for clarity and communication but explained that she needed three weeks before communicating her plans.
- Challenge Yourself to Engage Despite Hesitation. It all comes down to self-talk. Do you give yourself a pass on communicating in ambiguous or limiting circumstances? Or do you challenge yourself to do what you can with what you have? Send a quick text. Record a 3-minute video on your phone and send it out. Leave a voicemail after hours. Use your 10-minute schedule gap to call someone. Schedule time to simply talk about where you’re at — even if it’s incomplete or uncertain.
Confront Your Patterns and Grow
Consider working through the self-assessments and reflection questions included in my new book, Four Patterns of Healthy People, available now in Kindle and hard copy. It’s hard to see and confront the patterns that aren’t working for you. When we do see and deal with them, though, we experience so much more success and peace of mind.
Where might you be withdrawing when you could be engaging?
Comments are closed here.