How to Be Your Authentic Self Amidst Social Pressures
One of the ironies of being human is that it can sometimes be hard just to be your authentic self. And no one knows that more than a middle schooler.
I see my sons facing these pressures every day. Like when I recently drove one son to a tennis match with his doubles partner — a confident boy two years older. Being in the car with someone two grades older might make someone a bit insecure. It may be tempting to try to impress or remain quieter than normal. But somehow my son held onto himself despite these pressures.
I told him afterwards that it impressed me that he acted the same way with his eighth grade doubles partner as he would with his twin brother, as he would alone with me. In other words, he was consistent. He held onto himself. 
While some of these pressures fade past the teenage years, they almost never go away.
It can be really hard to be yourself in certain situations and with certain people. People with bigger jobs, bigger houses, or bigger egos can cause even the most confident among us to act differently.
How good are you at being your authentic self in any social environment?
The implications are significant. Be yourself and you’ll experience greater peace of mind and social impact. Lose yourself and suffer from anxiety and disconnection from others.
Psychologists refer to “being yourself” as your true or authentic self, in contrast to your false or adaptive self. To be more authentic, no matter the social pressures, consider the following strategies:
- Understand where you came from. Everyone is a byproduct of their family of origin. If you grew up on a farm, you may value work ethic. Perhaps you were raised in a conflict-avoidant family, so you avoid it yourself. Good or bad, your family taught you what it takes to belong and what to be afraid of. Knowing this helps you know yourself, your needs for belonging, and your triggers or hot buttons.
- Explore your values. Consider what’s most important to you. What concepts or pursuits most identify who you are? How would you answer this question: If people were to say anything about me, it’s that I’m ____________? These values likely derive from your strengths, passions, and wounds. Yes, the places where you’ve been hurt probably have healed into scars that define what you most value.
- Accept yourself and your flaws. A couple of days after that drive to my son’s tennis match, we were driving home, this time just the two of us, after he’d lost a match that he’d really wanted to win. He was tough on himself in that car ride. So we repeated this phrase to each other: Let go and grow. He needed to remind himself that he was enough. That he could let go of his misses and move forward.
- Tell the truth. It’s easy to tell small lies to impress people or minimize your flaws. Oh yeah, I’ve read that book! Sure, I have an opinion on the big game! I’m great, thanks for asking! It’s hard work to act like you’ve done things you haven’t, care about things you don’t, or feel a way that’s not true. Perhaps there are times when it’s appropriate to go along to get along, but it usually takes something out of you.
- Spend time alone with yourself — and no devices. When I’m quiet, I remember who I am. If you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you know that I set a 10-minute timer every morning to sit in silence. During that time, I release thoughts and just focus on my breathing. During this time, the pressures and expectations fade away and my true self comes to the fore.
It’s difficult to hold onto yourself amidst social pressures. How might you strengthen your ability to be more authentic?
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