How to Become Comfortable Being Vulnerable
Megan Tamte is comfortable being vulnerable. She allows people to see her for who she really is—even when it’s messy.
For the founder of the fast-growing women’s retailer Evereve, it’s something that goes back to the styling floor of her first store, in Edina, Minnesota, where Megan remembers facing “uncomfortable and awkward situations all the time.”
“For instance, if I had a customer in a dressing room and forgot her name,” she says, “I’d actually say what was in my head rather than avoid the discomfort: ‘I’m so embarrassed I’ve asked you your name three times…and I forgot again!’ It felt so vulnerable because I wanted to be successful and for people to know I cared.”
That willingness to be vulnerable is one thing I admire most about her. What a beautiful thing, to be comfortable letting people see on the outside what’s happening on the inside.
Do you ever struggle giving yourself full expression? Admitting your attachments and insecurities? Speaking your truth? Revealing who you really are?
Megan discovered that being vulnerable allowed her to connect with people in a way she might not otherwise have been able to.
“People were almost always gracious and generous,” she says, of those early uncomfortable and awkward situations. “I’d often get hugs…because they’d appreciate that I spoke my truth.”
It’s this developed (not natural) ability that has contributed in a big way to Megan’s success. Evereve now boasts nearly $150M in revenue from 85 stores across 26 U.S. states and a strong online platform. Having no debt, it has earned profitable cash flow in each of the 15 years since the business launched. It has been growing at more than twice the retail average.
And despite constant pressure to please a multitude of stakeholders, Megan has remained comfortable being seen for who she really is.
Leaders Should Go First
I messed up. I’m really nervous. Why can it feel so hard to share what you’re really thinking?
Sometimes we need a model to follow, to make it safe through their own example for us to be vulnerable, too.
For his book The Culture Code, author Daniel Coyle researched teams with extraordinary cultures across multiple disciplines, including business, sports, entertainment, military, and education. One of his key revelations: Make sure the leader is vulnerable first and often.
“Group cooperation is created by small, frequently repeated moments of vulnerability,” he explains. “Of these, none carries more power than the moment when a leader signals vulnerability.” It’s paramount for people to know that it’s safe to tell the truth here.
You might be thinking, that works for Megan on a styling floor or with employees, but it wouldn’t work in a boardroom or a high-stakes business meeting.
Before you write off that level of exposure, try visiting one of Megan’s board meetings, where you’ll find savvy investors and business minds like Gordon Segal, co-founder and former Chairman and CEO of Crate and Barrel. She’s been known to admit to the board when she’s nervous about discussing certain topics or delivering certain types of presentations that are outside her comfort zone.
She shows up with honesty and goes for it anyway.
“I could keep my insecurities to myself, but instead I do it imperfectly. People love that,” she recently told me. “When I’m in awkward, uncomfortable moments, I hear Brene Brown saying ‘Just show up and tell your story.’”
Knowing What You Value Creates Freedom to Be Honest
It’s not always so simple. Megan recalls a time years ago when she was constantly feeling like she had to perform for her “audiences.” Employees, shareholders, family, customers…each stakeholder had its own demands for who they wanted her to be. She felt like she needed to please everyone and took feedback personally. It began to manifest itself in the form of anxiety, headaches, and neck tension.
And so she became determined to understand who she really should be trying to please.
“I created a triangle of my ‘pleasing priorities’ — God, family, and my soul sisters. As long as I stay true to those highest priorities, I’m OK letting others down or disappointing people,” she says. “It’s allowed me to be very comfortable speaking the truth about my mistakes and limits. I can’t run around thinking my job is to not disappoint people.”
So how do you develop this ability to show up as you really are in relationships?
Know who you are and what you really value.
Then the attachments to approval, success, and reputation will start to fade away. Ironically, as Megan shows us when you do this, approval, success, and reputation will come.
How can you become more comfortable being vulnerable and letting people see on the outside what’s happening on the inside?
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