How to Confront Someone In a Productive Way
T.S. Eliot wrote what is widely regarded as one of the most important poems of the 20th century, “The Waste Land.” Even so, Eliot himself attributed much of its success to the support of his editor, Ezra Pound. Pound never held back when confronting Eliot with feedback on his writing, and Eliot appreciated that. In fact, the original manuscript of “The Waste Land,” which was found in 1968, was filled with Pound’s comments, many of which Eliot applied to the final product.
Eliot and Pound are a great example of a working relationship based on productive confrontation. It’s one that could also serve as a metaphor for all great relationships in life. Time and again, we see that productive confrontation, rather than avoidance or heavy-handed feedback, forms the basis for mutual success.
In my last post, I laid out considerations for when to confront someone about something that’s bothering you. Now let’s look at a proven communication pattern to confront someone in a productive way.
Minimize Blame and Defensiveness
This proven, 4-part pattern for productive confrontation, inspired by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s work in nonviolent communication (NVC), minimizes the classic “blame/defense” cycle that people often find themselves in. It goes like this:
- Observation. Start with what you saw/heard/read/noticed. Be careful not to interpret your observation, which might feel like blame and arouse defensiveness. Just stick to an objective recall like, “I’ve noticed in the past several meetings that you’ve interrupted people in front of everyone.”
- Feeling. Next, explain how what you’ve observed makes you feel. This is important to give weight and meaning to your observation and to humanize your confrontation. Feelings build empathy and connection. Just be careful to name an authentic feeling. Say something like, “Seeing this makes me concerned.” By contrast, it would not be an authentic feeling to say something like, “Seeing this makes me feel like you’re trying to undermine people on the team.” That’s not a feeling; it’s an interpretive blame statement.
- Value. Third, explain why you feel this way based on what you or the team values. You might say, “I feel this way because one of our values is Respect and talking over people doesn’t seem to be a way of showing people respect.” Stating this value grounds the confrontation in a principle that substantiates your comments, causing it to sound less like blame and more like genuine feedback.
- Request. Finally, make a request in request language, not ultimatum or demand language. Don’t cause the other person to feel like they’re being controlled. Rather, help them feel encouraged and coached. You could say, “Could I ask that you refrain from interrupting in meetings?”
One Other Idea: Exchange Stories
The other communication element you could consider adding when you confront someone is a “story exchange.”
If the other person’s words or actions have resulted in you telling yourself a story about their behavior, it might be helpful to be transparent about that story. Consider getting it out in the open — if you’re willing to tell them your story while keeping an open mind to revision and open ears to listen.
The classic book Crucial Conversations makes the helpful point that sharing stories (each party’s interpretation of the facts) can build mutual understanding and break down false assumptions.
Before, or more likely after, the 4-part pattern above, you might say, “You know, I’ve started to tell myself a story that you don’t consider other’s feelings and tend to act rudely in meetings. BUT, I’m not sure that’s the right story and I really want to hear the story you’re telling yourself about these meetings.”
Again, exchanging stories about what’s happening isn’t always appropriate, but it can be a great way to build mutual trust and understanding.
In Summary
The best relationships are like solid editor/writer relationships, where the writer values the confrontation and the editor consistently provides it in a productive way, realizing that the writer doesn’t have to take the feedback.
Who could you confront in a more productive way this week?
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