How to Establish Common Norms and Behavior Expectations
I live in a neighborhood with narrow streets. Parked cars are allowed on one side of the street. This makes it nearly impossible for two oncoming cars to pass each other. There are no signs or guidance as to how to navigate this predicament. But behavior expectations develop over time.
I expect, for instance, that the car traveling on the side of the parked cars will pull over and stop to allow the oncoming car to pass. I also expect the oncoming driver to smile, nod, or wave, expressing appreciation for the deference of the car that pulled over.
But these expectations are often unmet.
My Expectations vs. Reality
Some drivers will race down the street and attempt to squeeze past you when they are on the side of the parked cars. Others will muscle their way through by driving directly in the path of the oncoming traffic, forcing the other cars to move or get hit.
But the worst for me are the people who don’t smile or wave. Now, if you live in a place like Boston, Philadelphia, or Paris, I realize that you might think that’s crazy. While I love those cities, Minneapolis is different. Smiling and waving here is expected when someone gives you the right of way. And when it doesn’t happen, all I can think is, How self-focused and rushed are you that you can’t show a little respect?
What unwritten behavior norms do you expect?
Expectations are Everywhere
Unwritten behavior norms aren’t limited to the “mean streets.” For example, we have a norm in our office that you don’t multitask in a meeting. If someone did that, I’d think they were disengaged and being rude. But in other offices, the expectation might be that it’s perfectly acceptable to check your phone or laptop during a meeting.
We also have unwritten norms around things like working from home, socializing during the workday, and whether to use a webcam on virtual meetings. When you have these unwritten behaviors that you live by, it can range from confusing to maddening when other people don’t behave in kind. But sometimes, we have to put the accountability on ourselves if want to avoid these frustrations in the future.
How to Deal with Violations of Unwritten Expectations
You may not always be able to get the stranger barreling at you down a narrow street to smile and wave when you get out of their way, but in most situations, condemning, criticizing, or complaining isn’t going to help—and it’s definitely not going to make you feel a whole lot better in the long run. So instead of judging someone for failing to meet your unwritten expectations, consider these four alternatives:
- Model what you expect. Research suggests that humans imitate behavior they see because it makes them feel accepted and like they belong. I can do my part in the neighborhood by deferring to oncoming traffic and waving when others defer to me. There’s a good chance that, at the very least, the regulars will get the message after a while.
- Don’t expect reciprocation. Dale Carnegie wrote in his wonderful book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living that we should “expect ingratitude.” Negative emotions typically arise through missed expectations. Rather than assume everyone understands the norms, assume they don’t. You’ll worry less and live more.
- Be gracious. When someone misses behavior expectations in your neighborhood or workplace, assume positive intent and try to let it go. Maybe the person racing through my neighborhood is rushing to the hospital. Or maybe they’re just having a bad day.
- Discuss your expectations. Talk about community norms to check alignment with others and help others understand expectations. Norms are difficult because they are normally implicit and developed over time. This is especially hard for newer people in the community or the workplace because they don’t understand or may have operated under different expectations. Talk to your neighbors. Bring it up in a meeting. Don’t leave people to flounder.
Unmet behavior expectations can be frustrating. Rather than criticize, condemn, and complain about it, improve the way norms are established and handled.
What unmet norms get you frustrated?
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