How to Get Out of a Losing Pattern
When it comes to not winning a championship, Minnesota is number one. It’s currently in the unenviable position of having the longest dry spell of any U.S. pro sports market.
The drought has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For example, after the Minnesota Vikings won 14 of the first 16 games of the 2024 regular season, most fans assumed the team’s fate after they lost their 17th game to the Lions. Sure enough, following their historical pattern, they went on to lose their first playoff game and the season was over.
Minnesota isn’t alone. Sports are full of patterns, and it’s always surprising when one is broken.
Here’s another example: NBA teams have lost the last 1,552 straight games when trailing by 24+ points in the fourth quarter. That was a well-established losing pattern, until…two weeks ago when the Minnesota Timberwolves stunned the conference-leading Oklahoma City Thunder by coming back from a 24-point deficit in the fourth quarter to win.
Speaking as a Minnesotan, that’s a fun pattern-breaker for a Minnesota team!
Any one of us can get stuck in a pattern that begins to perpetuate itself. It’s a great accomplishment any time someone breaks out of an expected pattern — especially when it’s a losing one.
Are you stuck in any losing patterns right now? Perhaps it’s:
- Interpersonal conflict
- Anxiety and worry
- A difficult relationship
- Your performance
- Team or group dynamics
Let’s take a look at one of the best strategies for breaking the pattern.
A Key to Pattern Breaking: Differentiation
The late psychologist Murray Bowen argued that differentiation should be one of our highest aims because it helps us transcend the patterns that keep us stuck. He defined it as the ability to distinguish oneself from others while maintaining emotional objectivity, which includes:
- Recognizing your own thoughts and feelings
- Being able to maintain emotional balance while relating to others
- Valuing and respecting that your thoughts and feelings may differ from others
- Setting boundaries without feeling guilt or shame
In other words, if you’re differentiated, you’re able to remain inside a relationship, community, or team while staying outside of the patterns.
When you’re not differentiated, you can find yourself stuck in one of those losing patterns.
Here are some examples of the consequences of a lack of differentiation:
- Codependency: Unhealthy attachment to another person that prioritizes the other person’s needs over your own
- Over-functioning: Repeatedly doing something for someone that they can or should do for themselves.
- Chronic conflict: Cycles of blame, defensiveness, and deflection
- Boundary violations: Operating past your values or capacity by giving something that you don’t have (e.g., time, energy, interest, etc.)
- Avoidance: Escaping direct truth-telling by resorting to gossip, passive aggression, or evasion
- Under-performance: Recurring failure to perform due to unclear expectations or blockers from others (real or perceived)
Maybe you can relate to one of these or can think of another example where you, or people around you, aren’t fully differentiated.
Whatever the losing pattern might be, the key is to work on the only person you can really change: you.
Going back to Murray Bowen’s characteristics of a well-differentiated person, ask yourself:
- What thoughts and feelings am I having amidst this losing pattern?
- How can I be more emotionally balanced rather than reactive to the situation?
- Whose thoughts or feelings do I need to intentionally separate myself from?
- Where do I need to establish a boundary line and not feel bad about it?
Remember, the best way to change a losing pattern is to remain on the team and in the relationship.
While abusive or unprofitable situations may require a complete exit, many patterns can be broken.
It’s been 34 years since the Minnesota Twins won the World Series. My hope is that Minnesota sports owners, coaches, players, and fans keep working on differentiation. One day, hopefully in my lifetime, the drought will end.
How can you pursue greater differentiation?
