How to Get What You Want in Life by Reducing Stress and Anxiety
Recently in a coaching conversation, I asked a client what he wanted in life right now. Initially, the response was somewhat obvious: happy family, health, work success… Then he paused to reflect more deeply. “I want to know I’m doing a good job,” he said. “Actually, you know what I really want?… I just don’t want to be anxious.”
Can you relate to that feeling? That tight and unsettled feeling that you’re not enough? That angst about the future?
What do you do to make it go away?
Short-term, Ineffective Ways We Reduce Anxiety
- Numb it. Typically, this involves doing something with your body to release dopamine and other positive endorphins to make yourself feel OK. You can fill your stomach with a good meal. You can drink a glass of wine. You could take a nap. Smoke a cigarette. Go for a run. Meditate. Most of those things have positive health benefits. And they make you feel strong and calm for a time. But then they wear off, only to leave you feeling like you have to work out or drink a beer or eat chocolate in order to feel OK.
- Ignore it. This is what psychologists would refer to as living your false self. Rather than being your true, authentic self, you pretend everything is OK. You stay shallow. You rationalize why nothing is wrong. You don’t let people challenge you or make you feel uncomfortable. This keeps you protected from the anxious thoughts about the future or whether you’re really enough. The problem is that it’s not real. You don’t truly live in this false reality.
- Avoid it. Another way to avoid the hard thoughts is to distract yourself. Stay busy. React to your to-do list or what others need. Complain about others to deflect responsibility. Or bury yourself in technology. Check your email. Find something “important” on your phone during a meeting. Dodge the bullets of fear. Again, though, it’s just a temporary fix.
The Best, Long-Term Ways to Reduce Anxiety
Through my work coaching myself and others through fear and anxiety, I’ve only found three approaches that really work over time:
- Grow. As psychologists and learning experts Murray Bowen, Robert Kegan, and Edwin Friedman have all so effectively explained, the essence of growth is separating from your attachments. It is to see yourself apart from the world while remaining related to it. This requires self-definition and becoming clearer on who you really are — not what your mom wants you to be, or what your boss expects you to be. This requires deep self-reflection and being aware of your family-of-origin patterns, your addictions, your weaknesses, and your personality tendencies. Rest comes in finding your true self.
- Sacrifice. During a period in my life when my anxiety was very high, I began volunteering at a local school. When I walked through those doors, I left my preoccupations at the door and put the kids’ concerns before my own. It was freeing. The lesson: Acts of self-forgetfulness reduce anxiety. Go to the back of the line, be about others, and think about what others need. When you sacrifice your needs for others, your needs lose power over you.
- Trust. Open your hands, release control, and accept who you are and what’s happening around you. I’m not suggesting you be passive or resign yourself in apathy. Rather, it’s in trusting the future, trusting God, trusting others, trusting yourself, trusting that good will come from whatever may happen. Trust is also about resting in what you have, being grateful for what is rather than what might be or should have been. Through the act of trusting, you will cease striving for something more.
What do you really want in life? If it has something to do with peace, authenticity, and joy, try not to numb, ignore, or avoid your anxiety. Instead, choose to grow, sacrifice, and trust.
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