How to Talk to People Who Are Frustrating You
Are you experiencing any interpersonal tension with your new co-workers?
Many of us are having to work with and around kids, partners, roommates, pets, and neighbors. Sometimes people can get really frustrating.
For instance, a friend of mine said to me that she is super frustrated with her roommates who have disregarded social distancing.
“They go to other people’s apartments to hang out and invite me to join. Sorry, but I’m not going!”
How Do You Respond to People in Tense Situations?
Even before social distancing began, interpersonal tension existed.
When tension does arise, whether it’s passive or aggressive, I find that what I say to people makes a big difference. The way I express my feelings, perspective, and needs has a huge impact on the trajectory of the interaction.
When I don’t talk to people the right way, the interaction can quickly devolve into blame and defensiveness.
Conversely, when I talk to people the right way, it usually leads to greater empathy, trust, and understanding — even if we disagree!
Building Trust and Understanding with the People Who Get in Your Way
In the past, I’ve written about how Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s well-regarded nonviolent communication approach leads to increased trust and greater openness to dialogue. More recently, I’ve explored this pattern of nonviolent communication through Oren Jay Sofer’s book, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication.
If everyone practiced these patterns, the world would be a much less tense and more trusting place. This is because most tension derives from people feeling that they or their ideas are under attack. Whenever you and I perceive we’re under attack, our brain’s amygdala, which has direct influence over our nervous system, sends us into fight, flight, or freeze. It’s our self-protection mechanism. It protects us from getting hurt, but it makes it really hard to build trust and understanding with the source of the threat!
The Talking Pattern That Works
The first step in talking to people through interpersonal tension is to begin with the least threatening, most objective statement possible: State what you observe. Not your interpretation or assessment of a situation; just what you see or hear. What happened or is happening?
Here’s how you might begin:
I see/saw/hear/heard ______________________.
Or, if it’s a recurring source of tension:
When I see/hear _____________________,
It should be stated in such a way that, had any other person watched or listened to a recording of the behavior in question, they would see or hear the same thing. In addition to explaining what you see or hear, it’s also important to be curious about what the other person observes.
Next, tell them how you feel. Since you’re simply communicating your experience, it shouldn’t be very threatening to the other person. The key is to state a true feeling rather than what Oren Jay Sofer calls a “false feeling” — blame disguised as a feeling. He says:
There are a range of words that fall into the category of “false feelings,” that is, referring to an emotion by blaming the other person. Words like:
Abandoned, Abused, Attacked, Betrayed, Bullied, Cheated, Dismissed, Disrespected, Interrupted, Let down, Manipulated, Misunderstood, Neglected, Pressured, Provoked, Rejected, Treated unfairly, Threatened, Unappreciated, Unheard, Unsupported
Next, explain your need that isn’t being met. Everyone has needs. You need oxygen, water, and food. But you also need affection, freedom, independence, flexibility, self-care, purpose, and a whole lot of other things. It’s part of being human. It also explains to the person listening to you why you feel the way you do.
It might sound like this:
I feel ___________________ because I need (want/value) ___________________.
Beyond explaining how you feel and what you need, find out how the other person feels and why. The more you curiously listen without judgment, the closer you’ll come to solving problems and reducing tension.
Finally, make a request. This can be the most controversial part of the pattern, so Oren Jay Sofer suggests we:
Formulate requests with three qualities:
- Positive: Requests state what we do want rather than what we don’t want.
- Specific: Requests are concrete and doable rather than vague or abstract.
- Flexible: Requests are distinct from demands; they offer a suggestion for how to move forward, with openness to other ideas.
Say something like:
Would you be open to _________________?
Be prepared for your request to be denied. It may not work for someone else, and independent adults have the full right to accept or decline a request.
If they don’t accept your request, consider discussing alternative strategies that will meet your needs and theirs. If the first three steps of the pattern are performed with genuine empathy and curiosity, the fourth step should be a working-together exercise to meet mutual needs.
Follow these four steps, with an intention to build mutual understanding, and you’ll find your (new) working (from home) relationships will be a whole lot better.
Who is a source of interpersonal tension or frustration for you right now? How will you talk to them more productively?
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