If You Want to Influence Others, Consider This
When a person is guarded, it is almost impossible to have an influence on them. Perhaps you can coerce, control, or manipulate them, but persuade, influence, or gain their cooperation? Not so much. Ask a trained hostage negotiator. Former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI, Chris Voss, says:
Though the intensity may differ from person to person, you can be sure that everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives, you’re in the door.
The amygdala, located in the limbic part of your brain, constantly monitors every situation, looking for threats. Its job is to self-protect by sending fight, flight, or freeze signals to other parts of the brain and nervous system. Think about it: every meeting, every networking event, every interaction, everyone is monitoring and self-protecting. That makes it hard to influence others to engage, change, or get buy-in to your ideas.
And yet, all too often, you and I subtly and unknowingly reinforce other people’s need to self-protect.
As Parker Palmer explains, people are like wild animals. They usually don’t allow others to fully see their thoughts, fears, and desires. Only when it feels very safe will they come out in full view. Below conscious thought, people scan every situation to determine which of their needs are at risk.
Considering Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (in parenthesis below), people wonder whether others will:
- Take something from me (physiological)
- Hurt me, physically or psychologically (safety)
- Exclude me (belonging)
- Not like me (esteem)
- Waste my time or energy (self-actualization)
Because of this, people self-protect and refuse to unlock the door.
The next time you are in a meeting or conversation, pay attention to signs of self-protection. Watch people hold back, posture, blame, rationalize, resist, or disengage. Make sure you don’t let it distract you too much, as mentioned in my latest post but when appropriate, give the room a thoughtful scan.
Your colleagues do it, your friends do it, your kids do it. My kids do it too. We all do it.
And that is why influencing others can be so hard.
Getting Others to Let their Guard Down So You Can Influence Them
Research suggests that psychological safety proves to be one of the most important characteristics of a high-performing relationship or team. Again, people engage and cooperate when they let their guard down. So how do you get people to do that?
The answer is not “avoid conflict.” Conflict itself doesn’t necessarily cause people to self-protect. Leadership expert Patrick Lencioni says that one of the primary dysfunctions of teams and relationships is that they lack conflict.
So, how do you get people to let their guard down, especially in conflict?
In his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” Dale Carnegie writes that the starting point is to not criticize, condemn, or complain. When people feel judged, blamed, or disregarded, they self-protect.
Next, he says, show sincere appreciation for people and the situation they’re in. People don’t care what we know until they know that we care. Empathize with them by trying to see the world through their eyes.
Carnegie advises that you then frame your conversation in terms that matter to them. Think about what they want. Acknowledge and name what they want. Invite them to dialogue that they feel may advance their desires.
He continues with other wonderful considerations for influencing others. Download his 30 principles of relationships and influence here.
Read Chris Voss, Parker Palmer, and Patrick Lencioni for additional ideas. What you’ll notice is that it all boils down to this: Treat people in a way that causes them to let their guard down. That’s called trust. And it’s the most important consideration for influence.
How do you need to influence today?
Comments are closed here.