Letting Go
We hold tight to people, pleasures and positions that make us feel more alive. Whether it’s our loyalty to children, health, or performance, these objects of our love are often very good things that benefit from our attention. They also give us status, meaning and happiness. So our grip on them is fierce, sometimes to the detriment of ourselves and those we are trying to lead.
Several years ago, I was encouraging and leading my team in a meeting amidst significant challenges we faced. Self-doubt spiraled through my head about my ability to provide the necessary leadership – to the point where I had to stop speaking mid-sentence and leave the room. I was ashamed of this anxiety and tried so hard to be a strong leader. After more than a year of pretending to be strong and avoiding subsequent public speaking opportunities, I decided to let go and talk openly about my insecurities as a leader. This need to “not let others down” remains inside me but I now talk openly about this addiction, which has paradoxically made me stronger.
We hold onto so many “good” things too tightly. Let’s consider four ways that we can loosen our grip.
- Name Our Addictions. What is it that you HAVE to have? What gets you the most upset when it is taken away? One of the strongest responses for me is engagement from people I’m trying to lead. Approval from my team and my family stirs my soul and rejection shakes me. Knowing this puts me in a position to monitor and coach my own emotions.
- Give Away Power to Gain It. One of my favorite speakers, Stefan Van Voorst, recently said that we aren’t built or wired to carry the power and control that we seek. Rather, giving away power results in a paradoxical strength. Limiting our control of our children can make them stronger. Serving those we lead, rather than controlling them, builds genuine engagement and trust. When we give away our power, we become more influential and accessible.
- Let Go to Get Stronger. Holding on tightly means that we carry more weight, which limits our ability to grow, love and risk. Seeing the joy of the poorest or the serenity of the dying show the freedom that often comes in losing comfort and control. By loosening our grip on people, pleasure and performance, we have more strength to build relationships, enjoy life and perform to our potential.
- Give Permission to be Human. Last week, a close friend talked vulnerably about losing his job. He wept amongst a group of friends who are all trying hard to hold on to their own career aspirations. To these men, including me, who want to win at home and at work, he courageously proclaimed the strength that comes from accepting brokenness. Being human means accepting limits.
What are you holding on to?
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