When a Joke Humiliates: The Negative Impact of Offensive Humor
My adolescence thoroughly trained me in the art of hurtful humor. The boys at my school, like everywhere, often reverted to slapstick or funny jabs at the expense of others. Most of us weren’t clever enough to do anything else. You learned to dish it and you learned to take it. Hey John! What do band geeks do at camp? Woah, I’m surprised Matt didn’t know that since he’s such a book worm!
I’m just glad I’m past all of that. It was all sort of funny at the time, but not really.
Actually, I’m not past it. I’m guessing you might not be either. It happened in an external meeting I was in yesterday. Twice in that meeting, actually! It made people laugh, but it damaged the meeting.
The first time it happened, someone was making a serious point about role clarity. “Each of us needs to be able to tell people exactly what we’re working on,” he said. Then someone else seized the opportunity for deprecating humor:
“Yeah, Chris can tell people that his job is to get projects over budget and behind schedule!”
Ha ha! Everyone erupted in laughter. So did Chris. But I studied his face and realized he was getting flush as his eyes looked down and his voice quickened. It took a while before he was really back in the meeting.
The second time it happened, another person in the meeting offered to help take care of a problem. “I’ll help. My position has authority over that issue,” she said with humility.
“Oh!” came a few shouts, “Alison’s a big deal!”
“No,” she said quietly through nervous laughter. “I was just saying that…” And she withdrew behind a smiling façade.
In both instances, my adolescent training kicked in. I laughed along with everyone else. But, as I reflected after the meeting, I wished I hadn’t.
I thought this just happened in the eighth grade!
Well, it happens all the time in adult meetings. And according to experts, even if it gets a few laughs, it has a damaging effect.
The Importance of Psychological Safety
Google, for example, studied the characteristics that optimize the performance of a team. One of their top findings was the benefit of psychological safety. In other words, people need to feel like they can be free to contribute and be fully present without fear of rejection or consequence.
What was one of the four keys to saving Ford Motor Company from the 2008 economic recession — one of the biggest turnarounds in business history? Alan Mulally, the CEO who is credited for making it happen, emphasizes this critical factor in organizational performance: “Never make a joke or try for humor at someone else’s expense. In a high stakes environment, everyone needs to feel safe.”
Where are you most tempted to use humor at the expense of others? Where are you most inclined to laugh or join in when it happens?
Too Comfortable or Too Anxious?
I usually do it when I’m too comfortable or too anxious. Friends, family, and long-term co-workers are easy targets. We know each other’s flaws and vulnerabilities. And it’s easy to take for granted their trust by not being too careful.
So wait a minute. Am I you telling you that you need to always worry about what you say to trusted friends and colleagues?
Yes, that’s what I’m saying. That’s how they want to be treated.
I also find myself too quick to make a joke or laugh when I’m anxious. Often this is the subtle anxiety that creeps up when I’m taking a risk by leading or making a point in a meeting. If I’m not getting the approval or support that I want, or if things aren’t going my way, I get off balance. When I’m off balance, knocking someone else off balance seems to make me feel better. I’d guess you’re not too different.
Let go of the attitude that people should just get thicker skin. Give up the excuse that you only make jokes about others when you care about them. Humor at the expense of others is juvenile.
When does humor at the expense of others show up in your relationships?
PS. Names in this post were changed to protect the innocent.
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