Peer Counseling
I want to work in an environment where people let each other be real. We engage and get stronger when we can be vulnerable. Vulnerability is courageous and honest disclosure of pain and insecurity. We can foster this authenticity when we respond with a sustained and non-judging presence.
I learned about creating a vulnerable environment in high school as a “Peer Counselor”. My friends razzed me about joining this group though I found something courageous and helpful about a group of broken people willing to show it. We were, for each other and for our classmates that asked us for help, like tethered hikers in the mountains – often tired, cold, and scared… but connected.
Last week, a client pulled me aside after a meeting and said quietly, “I’ve managed to succeed and advance in my career for many years despite a debilitating fear of public speaking.” This leader’s willingness to be vulnerable was moving. There was a strength that came out of the exchange in his being real and my being supportive of his authenticity.
How can we foster an environment that is real and supportive?
- React honestly. My reaction to the client afraid of public speaking was, “I’m sorry. That’s hard. It must be painful.” This told him that he was in a truthful exchange, not one that was going to falsely minimize or avoid the brokenness.
- Look into people. Jewish philosopher Martin Buber wrote that all of our human interactions can be categorized as “I-It” or “I-Thou”. I-It is where we look “at” someone as something to be leveraged, persuaded or checked-off the to-do list. I-Thou is when we look “into” someone as a human being with a depth of complex motivations. This allows us to see and show who we really are.
- Actually care. Last week I overheard a colleague ask another in the office how she was doing. The response was benign. Rather than accept the response and run to her next deadline, she asked, “How are you really doing?” and stayed to really listen to the answer.
- Practice regular vulnerability and support. For the past eight years, I have been meeting weekly with a group of men who want to go deeper in life than just business, sports and current events. Last week, I was tired and busy but I went to our meeting anyway. As I sat amidst these men, sharing, listening and praying, I felt grateful and strong.
- Lead with vulnerability. Last year I coached an executive with a reputation for being aggressive and intimidating. He shared emotionally with me about his challenging relationship with his son. We agreed he would incorporate this type of honesty into an all-company presentation to build greater trust with his employees. He returned to our next coaching meeting excited to report that several people told him it was the best presentation they’ve seen him deliver and that it strengthened their trust and respect in him as a leader.
How do you feel about fostering an environment that allows people to be real?
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