Something the Best Influencers Pay Close Attention To
Recently I’ve been paying more attention to my interior peace — or lack thereof. I’ve been more aware of agitation, restlessness, nervousness, worry, insecurity, discomfort, stress, and frustration. The English word I’ve been using as shorthand for all those feelings is anxiety, which comes from the Latin word for uneasiness and the Greek word ankho, which means “to choke.”
I’ve realized that when I name it, I can better manage it and avoid spreading it. My goal is to be the most non-anxious leader I can be.
Being non-anxious helps others to be more peaceful, which leads to stronger human connection, less reactivity, and a more thoughtful approach to life.
Here’s an illustration: Earlier today I found myself in a debate with a colleague about which direction we should take. Either direction had implications for the business and for each of us personally. As we each dug into our different positions, the discussion grew tense.
One part of me wanted to get bigger in the conversation, to power up, to push my way forward by having a better argument, dismantling his, and applying a force of energy that would cause him to back down. Another part of me wanted to get smaller, to shut down, to back away. This would mean conceding “for the good of the relationship” and “to keep peace,” and, frankly, to make me less afraid of offending.
But as I paid attention to my interior feelings, I noticed my unease. I realized that I was choking the interaction and myself.
So, I shifted my focus from resolving the debate to resolving my anxiety.
Though I’m very much a work in progress, at 48 years old I’ve learned a thing or two about self-regulation: I shifted in my seat to a more comfortable position, slowed my breathing, relaxed my shoulders, softened my tone, gently smiled, acknowledged what I was hearing him say, affirmed the importance of the relationship, and remained curious.
I didn’t force the interaction, and I didn’t just give up on my position.
We both found ourselves starting to say things like, “You’re right about that,” “I’m changing my mind about this,” “I can see where you’re coming from,” and “This has been very helpful.”
We didn’t fully arrive at the same point of view, but we built trust and made collective progress. We also both left feeling more peaceful about each other and the topic.
And isn’t that the ultimate goal?
Of course we need to resolve problems — with ourselves, with others, and with life — but doing it non-anxiously fosters stronger connections, less reactivity, and greater wisdom.
In fact, as anxiety expert Steve Cuss explains, we need to prevent anxiety from spreading in four spaces:
- The space that is inside you: Assumptions, triggers, expectations, and pressures.
- The space between you and another: Catching each other’s anxiety and escalating in reactivity.
- The space inside the other: What are they thinking, what do they think of me, and why did they do that?
- The space between others: When you enter a room and step on a mood, or someone changes the mood.
Here’s what great influencers do when they are feeling worried, insecure, uncomfortable, stressed, or fearful: 1) they pay attention, 2) they manage it, and 3) they take care not to spread it.
What’s choking you or making you feel uneasy right now?
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