The Five Conversations Everyone Needs to Have with Confidence and Skill
At a conference recently, I had an opinion on the discussion topic that I wanted to share. But two alarms went off in my head.
First was whether I should share my opinion at all. Maybe my colleagues wouldn’t care about what I had to say, or maybe they’d think I was too opinionated.
The second was whether I’d be able to explain my ideas in a way that made sense and resonated. I hadn’t prepared, so perhaps I won’t be clear.
I needed confidence and skill to make an impact.
This passing situation is an example of one of the five most important conversations that everyone needs to regularly have with confidence and skill.
The five key conversations are:
- Engaging in small talk. Whether it’s exchanging pleasantries with someone you’ve just met or with someone you live with, it’s a skill to engage someone in passing conversation that builds rapport and connection.
- Saying what you do. It’s very important, but not easy, to tell someone what you do in a way that builds potential connections. You might shorthand this by saying you’re a lawyer, doctor, student, engineer, teacher, or stay-at-home parent, but that doesn’t fully capture what you’re about.
- Seeking to understand, Curiosity, discovery, and facilitation foster inclusion and insight. If you want to get others to think for themselves, or if you want others to help you clarify your understanding, you’ll need to be skilled at asking the right questions, in the right way, at the right time.
- Explaining your ideas. At times, you’ll need to tell people what you think, how it works, what direction you recommend, or what you want them to do. You can do this in a way that makes sense in your brain, or you can do it in a way that helps people understand and take action.
- Having disagreement or giving feedback. Other times, you’ll need to decide whether you’re going to fight, flee, or work through difficult conversations in a healthy way. It’s tempting to steamroll people with the force of your argument or personality or avoid them or the topic altogether. Speaking truthfully in love is a skill to be developed.
In certain situations, with certain people, all five conversations can be difficult. In other situations, with other types of people, these conversations may feel easy.
Rather than avoid the hard people and hard conversations, you and I can build the confidence and effectiveness to do them all pretty well in most situations.
Three Ways to Build Social Confidence and Impact
- Frameworks. People skilled in these five conversations typically follow some mental model — first say this, then ask this, then say this in this way. Frameworks aren’t meant to make you robotic. They give you structure to organize your thoughts, and structure brings freedom. Frameworks are simply the steps or principles that will typically lead to an optimal outcome.
- Practice. We practice in other areas of life, but we write off practicing conversations because we don’t think we have time, because it feels elementary, or we think we’re good enough. Smart communicators invest time and money to practice. Warren Buffet has said he got his highest ROI ever on the investment he made in a course to practice his communication skills.
- Flow. To have conversations with confidence and impact, you can’t be constantly self-evaluating. Instead, you’ll want to get into a flow state where you’re highly focused, having fun, and not distracted by thoughts of yourself. Frameworks and practice help. Ultimately, though, you’ll need to focus on the other people in the conversations more than on yourself.
Despite the alarms that might go off, we all need to have these five conversations on a regular basis, and we need to have them well.
At my work conference, I organized and communicated my thoughts while trying to remain focused on my colleagues. It wasn’t perfect and rarely is, but I’m continually working on my confidence and effectiveness because these conversations are so important.
How are you building your confidence and skill in the five conversations?
