The Four Dysfunctional Patterns in Families and Teams

Last year, one of my clients was struggling with an employee retention issue that she just couldn’t understand. She was losing some people due to what they described as an “unhealthy work culture.” 

She was perplexed. “We have always been a family!” she told me.

“Being like a family” sounds supportive and nurturing, but…all families have dysfunctional relationship patterns, too. This company was no exception. And if there’s any level of familiarity among your team members, then your team or company probably has dysfunctional patterns as well.

How Families and Familiarity Can Breed Unhealthy Tension

Over the past several weeks, I’ve been writing about how tension spreads through organizations, along with some of the causes of that tension. Now let’s look at some of the relationship dynamics that can contribute to tension.

Psychiatrist Dr. Murray Bowen originated one of the most widely accepted and helpful theories about the dysfunctional “systems” in families and teams. He explained that there are several basic dysfunctional patterns that develop, to some degree, in every family — and in every team that resembles a family.

Here I will attempt to present some of these dysfunctional patterns as I see them surface in work culture and on work teams on a regular basis.

1.Triangles. Relational triads develop when there is too much tension building up between two people, causing another person to enter the interaction. Even though the tension should be resolved between the two original people, the third person enters to try to stabilize the tension.

For instance, Vinay, Maria and Steve used to report directly to Kristin. Recently, Kristin promoted Maria to operate as a manager above Vinay and Steve. Unfortunately, Vinay and Steve don’t like reporting to Maria, so they have been going to Kristin to express their frustrations. Kristin feels bad and knows how to calm Vinay and Steve down, so she does. But now, even though Vinay and Steve are calmer, Kristin has become part of the tension, and the problems with Maria haven’t been resolved. Realizing this, Kristin is now trying to extract herself and simply provide coaching to Maria.

2.Groupthink. Every social group has degrees to which each member can think and feel for themselves. Some of that depends on how strongly the group implicitly “demands” conformity, and some depends on how clear each member of the group is about their own feelings, values, and ideas, apart from others’. This pressure to feel or think what others are feeling or thinking happens a lot in families and other close social groups like work teams.

Here’s an example: After Carolina was terminated for poor performance, a couple people on the team began telling others that it was “unfair” she was terminated and that the new leader of the team is “callously making changes that don’t appreciate the trust and history of the team.” Before long, most people on the team come to share this view and lose trust in the new leader, despite the leader’s competence and good reasons for terminating Carolina.

3.Chronic Problems. The most common ongoing problems that exist among members of a family or team are:

• • Interpersonal conflict (two or more people just don’t get along)
  • Dysfunctional behavior (one or more people demonstrate ongoing inappropriate behavior)
  • Perpetual performance issues (one or more people perform poorly and receive extra attention as a result)
  • Isolation (one or more people, intentionally or not, are marginalized or choose to remain separated from others)

Any of these issues, if unresolved, will cause tension to proliferate within a close team or family and wreak havoc for everyone.

4.Over-functioning. In families and teams, people are often “rescued” from needing to fully confront their problems. The over-functioning person(s) will try to do something for someone else that that individual can, or should, do for themselves such as: admit their mistakes, follow through on commitments, have painful conversations, do something uncomfortable, etc. Or the over-functioning person(s) will go beyond their personal boundaries to avoid tension. For example, someone might swoop in to save the co-dependent colleague, or “walk on eggshells” around someone so that they won’t get upset.

While these actions may appear altruistic, it’s really an attempt on the part of the over-functioning person to avoid pain and discomfort. Ironically, it only contributes to greater pain and discomfort over time because the people being rescued or protected from their problems are never forced to grow.

So, is it good to have strong familiarity at work? Is it good to “be like a family”? Hopefully, yes! That means there are high levels of commitment, support and care. But watch out for these four dysfunctional patterns that show up in EVERY family and team to some degree and at one point or another.

What dysfunction do you observe on your team and how might you help stop the spread of tension?

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