The Four Rs of Dealing with Unwanted Thoughts
I took time over the holidays to rest, get organized for the new year, and connect in meaningful ways with family. Having that time, though, opened up space for some unwanted thoughts too.
Do you ever allow all your thoughts to flow, even the unwanted ones? Your insecurities, fears, selfish desires, resentments, and uncertainties?
The question isn’t whether you have them; everyone has unwanted thoughts. A pause (like a holiday) or change in your circumstances might reveal them.
What do you do with your unwanted thoughts?
Recently, I’ve tried to practice the four Rs of dealing with unwanted thoughts:
1. Realize. Growing up, I loved watching and playing with G.I. Joe. In each episode, some kid would realize something and would exclaim, “Now I know!” to which a G.I. Joe character would return, “And knowing is half the battle!”
Too often, you and I escape, obscure, ignore, or misinterpret our thoughts. When an unwanted thought (i.e., anxiety) appears, we avoid it by scrolling our phone or doing something else, or we fixate on the thought, assuming it might be true or relevant.
The key is to realize you’ve had the thought and to contemplate the thought objectively.
2. Release (don’t reject). As I’ve written before, the two greatest temptations with unwanted thoughts are to ruminate on them or reject them. Both of those approaches result in the same outcome: amplification of the thought.
Rumination, of course, recycles the thought over and over such that the repetition causes fixation.
Rejection, on the other hand, signals to your brain that the thought matters because you’re trying to eliminate it. It’s a bit like telling yourself “Don’t look down!” while you walk across a tight rope.
The essential adjustment is to let the thought go rather than fight it out. It’s a posture of acceptance and surrender rather than denial and deletion. This is how sports psychologists train top performers.
3. Remind. Brains need constant reminders of what’s true and important. You can’t assume that “truth” is how you filter and experience the world and that your self-interest is what’s most “important.”
You know principles based on your worldview that transcend your unwanted thoughts, such as:
Every person has infinite worth.
You can do hard things.
Your identity is not based on the opinion or approval of others.
Serving others rather than serving yourself will lead to greater joy.
Breathe in these truths and breathe out fear, insecurity, and anxiety.
4. Replace. Unwanted thoughts will keep coming until they are substituted by a steady alternative, so embrace an asset-based thinking approach to the world around you. Instead of looking at the glass as half empty, attend to what’s good and brings you gratitude. Say “yes and,” as in “yes this fear is there, and I have the strength and experience to handle whatever happens.”
At times over the holidays, unwanted thoughts weighed me down and distracted me from the moment. They can cause us to miss out on the beauty and blessings around us. They can deplete us of energy and joy.
Those who learn how to deal with unwanted thoughts will have more confidence and compassion to deal effectively with others.
What unwanted thoughts are you having today and how could you apply the four Rs?
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