The Issue So Often Isn’t the Real Issue
While walking our dog recently, my wife and I started arguing about a very trivial issue. It had something to do with the timing of planting grass seed on our lawn. This is not a hot topic for either of us, yet there we were arguing about when to spread the seed. Later in the day, after gaining perspective, we realized that we weren’t really arguing about the grass seed. We were both trying to express something much deeper.
We had wasted time and increased frustration trying to work through an issue that wasn’t really the issue. We were too focused on “the grass” and not aware of what was below the surface.
Do you wonder how many of your arguments with others aren’t about the real issue?
In fact, there are three primary reasons we as humans spiral into unhelpful arguments. See if you can relate to these three As:
- Accumulation of tension. To fully understand “the lawn seed” argument, you’d have to go back about a week. In that broader period, you’d find that we’d had several nights of poor sleep due to our youngest child being sick. On top of that, the weather was cold and muddy, so our family was mainly indoors and getting on each other’s nerves. On top of that, I’d dealt with a couple of challenges at work that I’d continued to turn over in my mind. Were we arguing about grass seed on that walk? Not really. We were expressing a week’s worth of frustration.
- Avoidance of tension. Often, we don’t discuss the real issue because it’s too uncomfortable to confront. A vivid example of this happened for me when I declined an invitation by an event organizer to participate in his event. My stated reason was that I didn’t have the availability, and while that was an important consideration, if I’m totally honest, my deeper concern was that I wasn’t convinced he could make it a worthwhile event. Telling him the “truer” hesitation risked: A) offending him, and B) opening myself up to a more substantive dialogue about the quality of the event. I chose the path most traveled — avoidance —and that made all the difference.
- Attacking the tension. The most thoughtful response to tension is curiosity: empathize, listen, and learn. Yet when tension surfaces, our default response is to POWER UP or shut down. It’s a self-protection mechanism that’s very hard to control. When someone brings up an issue in a meeting that creates tension, or when a colleague brings up a concern, or when the person you live with pushes back on you…your brain doesn’t do what it really ought to do. It should pause and genuinely attempt to understand. Perhaps there’s more to this tension that you don’t realize. But your amygdala doesn’t have the patience to figure that out. It says: This threat must be eliminated! When the attack happens, it’s rarely properly aimed and it’s almost sure to elicit a counterattack.
Recently, I wrote about how emotional interdependence can create contagious tension among people. One of the most important responsibilities in a relationship is to manage the spread of tension — to protect yourself and others from “spreading it.”
Tension on its own can be great because it can lead to growth. But tension improperly handled can lead to disfunction and damage. Ensuring that you’re dealing with the real issue will lead you to greater trust and better decision-making.
What issue might you be dealing with right now that isn’t really the issue?
Comments are closed here.