The Key to World Peace, Personal Peace, and Success
Is becoming a better listener the solution to world and personal peace? Might it be the most important driving factor in your career and personal success?
Sure, we have to account for things that are out of our control. But for what we can control in life, what if better listening was the key to unlocking all doors. Think about it:
• Having a hard time getting along with someone? Try listening more, rather than blaming, criticizing, and defending.
• Struggling to sell something? How about pausing and listening, rather than thinking about how to prove it’s worth it.
• Frustrated with politics? What if you listened more, rather than stacking up your argument or opting out completely.
Need to negotiate a deal? Service a difficult customer? Launch a new product? Get your child to talk to you? Find a new job? Lead a team?
Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.
If this one action could be the answer, why don’t we do more of it? Well, listening is hard. It’s mentally tiring. And it requires suspending judgment.
The human brain is designed to preserve energy and constantly judge whether things are good or bad for you. It’s survival. So no one comes by listening easily. And because it’s so unnatural to listen, we all fall into common dysfunctional patterns.
In the coming weeks, I’ll be exploring this and other patterns that keep people stuck. You can read more about the common patterns we find ourselves in and how to develop better patterns in my new book, Four Patterns of Healthy People, coming out September 30.
As I explain in the book, the essential step to developing better patterns in any area is to self-confront and grow. We are all able to change; it just requires the willingness and desire to do so.
Let’s take a look at what you might discover if you’re willing to confront yourself about your patterns as a listener.
Unhealthy Listening Patterns
Poor listening isn’t just about a lack of skills or techniques. At a fundamental level, poor listening comes from being too self-focused and too fixed on controlling or judging others. Here are some common examples:
- You’re assuming people tell you what they really mean. In other words, you take what people say on face value. Well, you say, how can you expect me to read people’s minds? People should be direct and tell it like it is! Sorry. Humans don’t usually work that way. As feelings translate to thoughts that translate to words, there’s usually much lost in translation. That’s why people work with therapists, coaches, and counselors to help them process their own thoughts. Plus, people usually have much more to say than they will initially reveal.
My friend Rich Bracken, who has years of experience writing, speaking, and coaching on this topic, advises: “Ask it twice.” Until you ask a question at least two different ways, you won’t get perspective on what someone really means. - You’re listening just enough to draw conclusions. I find I fall into this pattern most often with people I’m around the most or know the best. I assume I know what they’re thinking and I’ve heard them say it before. This happens with customers when they tell me their problems (yep, I’ve heard this problem before). And it happens with my family and colleagues (here we go again — been down this path).
So, I take my dog for a walk every morning and literally coach myself out loud to remember to be a great listener — starting with my wife, because she’s the most familiar, and the most deserving. - You’re motivated by your agenda instead of a desire to understand. Have you found yourself thinking: How do I get them to see my point of view? How can I get them to change? How can I get this person to stop talking? It’s very difficult to truly listen if you’re trying to get the other person to do something. You might hear some things, but your agenda supersedes your understanding.
It’s OK to have a goal, parameters, or a purpose to your listening, but it’s more important to suppress the desire to control or change someone to arrive at your desired outcome. - You’re thinking about what you’ll say next. This is particularly challenging when you feel anxious and want to prove your value or have strong opinions/knowledge on a topic and want to ensure you’re heard. This is another self-focused pattern that requires intentional self-regulation. It comes down to mindset as well as ability: Can you prioritize the other person and care more about them than you do about being right?
- You don’t really care. Admit it: Sometimes you just don’t care about someone enough to listen better. Maybe you’re too busy or rushed or simply don’t see the value in what they have to contribute. This pattern surfaces when we view other people as utilities or barriers to personal pursuit.
Our time and energy are limited, but we can decide to care about every person in every interaction. I’ve always hoped it would be said of me what has been said of leaders like U.S. Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch: “He made you feel like you were the only person in the room when he was talking to you.”
Dale Carnegie boils it down to this in his profound book on human relationships:
Be a good listener. Encourage people to talk about themselves.
Try it this week. Watch your listening patterns and become a better listener. It just might lead to success and even world peace.
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