The Number One Principle in Relationships and Influence

I’ve previously discussed the principle that Dale Carnegie determined would be number one in his book on relationships and influence: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain.

Being critical, judging, or complaining not only hinders trust, but it also makes it hard to get others to see things your way. But just why is that the case? And what if your concerns are justified or your preferences aren’t being met? What then?

Why Don’t Criticism, Condemning, and Complaining Work?

The amygdala—the part of people’s brain that constantly monitors threats to survival—hates criticism, judgment, and complaint. Because it’s located closer to the spinal cord and central nervous system than all the rational parts of the brain, it maintains a lot of control over how people feel and react to others.

If someone thinks you’re criticizing, judging, or complaining about them or the things they deem important, their amygdala will feel threatened. And that will cause them to shut down or punch back.

This is why it’s dangerous to even start a sentence with, “Can I give you some feedback?” The other person’s guard will go way up, making it harder for them to respond thoughtfully.

What’s the Alternative to Criticism, Condemnation, or Complaint? 

Certainly one very good option is to say nothing. You’ll feel more comfortable with saying nothing if you can:

• Sympathize with the other person. Consider the other person’s story and how it may be different from yours.
• Recognize how you could just as easily be subjected to criticism, judgment, or complaint.
• Look for what you appreciate about the other person or group rather than focusing on what’s wrong or missing.

But maybe something really does need to be said. How do you present it in the most productive way?

Simply phrase it as a request.

How to Make a Productive Request 

Think about how you’d make a request to someone you really respect. Let’s say it’s an authority figure, someone you greatly admire, or even someone you fear. What would a request sound like?

Well, it might begin with a conditional word like “could,” “might,” or “would,” as in “Would you be willing to…” or “It might work better if….” These words signal to the other person’s amygdala that they will probably maintain a position of control or agency in this setup.

Your request may also include a gracious or deferential word like “please,” “perhaps,” “possibly,” “maybe,” “consider,” or “willing,” as in “Could you please consider…” These words convey respect and flexibility without minimizing or watering down your message.

A productive request could also add a brief explanation or suggestion that appeals to the other person(s) sensibilities, such as “… because I feel less connected to you,” or “… since the customer wants to know they can trust you,” or simply, “… because this isn’t working well for me.” These explanations aren’t accusations or attacks; they are plainly stated to help the other person understand the implications of not changing.

Finally, vocal tone matters. Snarky, angry, and anxious tones betray any words you may use. The amygdala is on high alert for harsh or negative tones. Try to soften or relax your tone so that the other person or people can really hear you without going into fight or flight.

The next time you’re tempted to go on the attack against a person or situation, you might consider saying nothing. But if you do say something, please consider making a productive request, because then people will be more receptive and open to your ideas.

Where could you be more effective in your criticism, condemnation, and complaints?

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