The Psychology of Relationship-Based Influence
As organizational hierarchy has flattened and cross-functional teams are increasingly responsible for getting the work done, everyone needs to be able to influence. In fact, last week a human resources manager told me that influencing makes up almost his entire job. “Every now and then I have to tell people they can’t or have to do something due to policies or compliance, but that’s rare. I’m primarily trying to get people to want to do things.”
Can you relate to the need to get buy-in and cooperation from others?
For the past ten years, I’ve studied the topic of influence through books, research, and observation. I’ve trained hundreds of courses using Dale Carnegie’s time-tested principles on how to influence people. From countless hours of coaching, contemplating, and discussing these topics, I’ve concluded that relationship-based influence follows a predictable psychological pattern.
What’s Different About Relationship-Based Influence
By relationship-based influence I mean influence that’s founded on trust and shared goals rather than manipulation, coercion, or pressure. While I appreciate books like Cialdini’s classic, Influence, those methods are transactional and more about getting people to make a certain choice than about getting them to work with you. I relate them to how I recently got my kids to go on a bike ride. I initially told them we’d be heading out for a 4-hour ride.
“What!!!??” was their response.
Then I said, “Actually, it will only be 40 minutes.”
“Thank goodness!” they replied.
Sometimes manipulation is the best parenting tactic, especially when you’re exhausted by a global pandemic.
Relationship-based, sustainable, mutual, trusting influence uses different methods. It flows over the course of dialogue and exchange. It’s iterative in the same way that Jim Collins’ flywheel is a pattern that generates momentum with each step. It also grows like money in a bank account, which means it can be withdrawn when tension, disagreement, and scarcity of resources enter the picture.
The 4 Psychological Stages of Relationship-Based Influence
Relationship-based influence follows a predictable series of four psychological stages: Attention, Interest, Belief, and Urgency.
Let’s take a look at Stage 1, Attention. Whether you live with them or it’s your first time interacting with this person you need to influence, they will almost always be preoccupied with themselves, their agenda, and their problems. Let’s face it, we’re all wired to self-protect and survive, so we’re always looking out for #1. To get people’s attention, you have to show them that you have their best interests in mind. And there are two bases you need to cover:
First, they may be ready to disagree about your methods to achieve their best interests. So, you need to remind them of what you both want. To engage their attention, refer to the highest shared objective. For example:
My client did this recently when he was trying to overcome reluctance to automate a manual process at work. He began the meeting with these skeptical colleagues by saying, “We’re here today to increase customer satisfaction and improve profitability for the organization.” That got everyone’s attention!
Second, they will be on alert for any sign that they might lose something (control, pride, comfort, time, etc.) if they listen to your ideas. So it’s paramount that you appear extremely safe to them.
As Parker Palmer explains, people are like wild animals, seeking safety and shelter and only coming out to engage when they believe they aren’t at risk. To manage this high alert state, check your tone of voice, body language, and mindset. Make sure you appear open, gracious, caring, and calm.
In my next posts, I’ll go into detail on the other three stages that follow Attention, along with strategies you can apply to positively influence your family, friends, community, and colleagues.
Where would you like to improve your influence at home, at work, and in the community? Beginning today, how could you be better at getting people’s attention?
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