Three Revelations about Not Feeling Competent in Hard Interactions
As I stood waiting to check in for a doctor’s appointment, the front desk staff was enduring a combative patient. He’d come into the office that morning to dispute his bill and was threatening to disparage the clinic on social media for misleading and unfair business practices.
It seemed the two women at the front desk could do nothing to calm him down. He finally stormed out.
At that point, the apparently more experienced of the two women made three very revealing comments to me and her colleague. Her comments reflect the discouragement so many people face at work and the impact of that discouragement on their engagement.
Perhaps you can relate to her three revelations, either personally or as you think about others you know. Here’s what she told us:
1.“I never know exactly what to say.” This well-intentioned, well-regarded staff member moves through much of her workday feeling confident and capable…until she encounters a tense person or situation. Her fight-or-flight defenses fire, her thinking gets cloudy, and she’s flooded with anxiety.
She thinks to herself, “Should I apologize, give in, acquiesce, go along, pass the responsibility to someone else? Or should I defend, explain, rationalize, justify, deflect, counterattack, take a stand?” She makes a split-second decision based on what she thinks will lead to the quickest resolution. Then she second-guesses herself and gets scared when her approach isn’t working.
She literally said this to me and her co-worker: “I never know exactly what to say.”
2.“This happens all the time.” She then faked a smile and explained with resignation in her voice that it happens all the time. (Interestingly, after my appointment I talked with the physician who runs the clinic and he said, “Oh, it’s very rare that our staff has to have those hard conversations.”)
More than likely, her brain will help her release and maybe even forget the interaction as an unconscious survival technique. She’ll “bury” the interaction as a minor trauma and move on with her day, responding when asked that her day, week, and job are “fine” or “going well!” However, she’s accumulating these minor defeats that slowly deteriorate her confidence and joy.
3.“I can’t wait to go on vacation.” Finally, she revealed something she probably shouldn’t have said to me, the patient and customer. Without thinking about the implications of her comment, she quickly told me how excited she was for her European vacation the following week.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being excited about a holiday in Europe, but consider the timing of that comment following her difficult interaction. She essentially told me, “I want to escape this place.”
Wow, what does that say about the relationship she has with her job? Motivated? Highly engaged? Committed to stay? Recommending her workplace to others? Advocating for her company in the community? I think she’d rather be enjoying French impressionists.
When I returned for a follow-up appointment, the lead physician lingered, wanting to talk about coaching for the staff. Perhaps he realized what was at stake. Maybe his awareness had increased about the discouragement and frustration experienced by his team members because they just “never know exactly what to say” and how that has implications for engagement and culture.
People can learn what to say and how to respond in high-stakes interactions. They can build the confidence to meet those moments and, as a result, have a stronger and more positive self-conception. When people feel strong and capable in hard moments, they remain committed and give their best.
What are the difficult interactions that you or your team need to better prepare for?
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