What Causes People to Disengage When You Are Talking to Them?
I often wonder what meetings would be like if there were time limits on each person speaking. In professional basketball, for example, they allow each team 24 seconds to take their shot at the net. The clock resets only after a team has attempted their shot or turned the ball over to the other team. Think about having a stopwatch like that in meetings.
What might the impact be? Democratize the exchange of ideas? Put everyone on a level playing field? Get more diverse input? Increase engagement? Force clear thinking? Doesn’t sound too bad, does it.
Why We Sometimes Talk Too Much
So there I was last week in a meeting with colleagues when a topic came up that I had a strong opinion about. By virtue of my positional authority in the meeting and my familiarity with my colleagues, I didn’t think too hard about how to concisely construct my point of view. Passion for the subject fueled my talking…and talking…and talking. When I finished, I had the sense that I’d sucked the oxygen out of the conversation.
I thought long and hard about that meeting. How did I contribute to people engaging or withdrawing? Did I pull people in or push them away? Did they even listen to everything I said?
It caused me to realize: the longer my explanation, the lesser my influence. Rather than leading by saying whatever I think, I want to be a leader who measures my words.
Now you might wonder, isn’t that confining and unnatural? Haven’t I earned the right to say what I think? Doesn’t it force me to be overly self-conscious as I am communicating?
Yes, it may be confining and unnatural to constrain your words; yes, you’ve probably earned the right to express yourself; and yes, for a time it might feel self-conscious. But perhaps the more important question is:
Do you care about the impact you have on others?
People are overloaded with information, and their minds are designed to shut down when they feel overwhelmed. We have to know when to stop talking.
How to Know When to Stop Talking
A 24-second time limit might be impractical in some situations, although it’s worth considering. But rather than placing an arbitrary time limit on your communication, think about limiting the volume and type of information you convey.
The best communicators constrain their ideas to the following elements before pausing to make sure the idea has landed or checking to see if others want to contribute. Think of these elements as the bells you want to ring when you’re communicating your message. Once you’ve rung them once, try to pause and check for understanding and input.
- Make one point that supports or explains your perspective. Consider just one reason for your recommendation, one statement to support your point of view or one concept that explains your proposal.
For example, you may have several reasons for wanting pizza for dinner tonight: It’s quick, the kids like it, you’re low on groceries, and you’ll be able to eat the leftovers tomorrow. Start with the most compelling reason first. You can then test the waters to see if other reasons are needed.
- Connect your points to your listeners. Those that are great at communicating make sure their listeners know why they should care about each point. Remind them how your point supports one of their concerns. This focuses your message on the other person(s) and shows them you’re for them. As President Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
- Illustrate and substantiate your points with evidence. Bring your points to life one at a time. To be an engaging communicator, remember: slow is fast and fast is slow. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get to the point quickly. It means that people want to let points sink in and really understand them. Tell a brief story. Show a picture. Give a testimonial. Make an analogy. Ensure your point isn’t just understood, but that it’s felt.
- Check in for reactions. Ask a question like, “How does that sound?” Open-ended check-ins like this allow the other person(s) to engage. And when that happens, they now have the ball. It’s true that they may not pay attention to the shot clock or let you have the ball back. In that case, you could block their shot or steal the ball—though great communicators allow others to have the ball. Because when people have the ball, they tend to be more engaged and accepting of the score of the game.
While I realize I’ll never be perfect in my message delivery, I’m re-committing to careful communication. It’s a gift I can give others at work and at home. And it will result in better ideas and consensus.
Will you join me? What messages will you be communicating soon?
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