What the Best Leaders Train Themselves to Do
I’ve been consuming lots of podcast content over the past year. The show that’s captivated me the most is called What It’s Like to Be…with Dan Heath.
It’s fun and thought-provoking, but what I find most fascinating is Dan Heath’s self-restraint. His understated, concise questions get his guests to say the most unguarded and interesting things.
He models a restraint that many leaders could improve.
What the Best Leaders Train Themselves to Do
I’ve been consuming lots of podcast content over the past year. The show that’s captivated me the most is called What It’s Like to Be…with Dan Heath.
It’s fun and thought-provoking, but what I find most fascinating is Dan Heath’s self-restraint. His understated, concise questions get his guests to say the most unguarded and interesting things.
He models a restraint that many leaders could improve.
New York Times bestselling author of six business books, accomplished researcher and fellow at Duke University, an MBA from Harvard…Dan Heath has earned the right to talk.
Yet what has surprised me about his podcast is that when he interviews “average” people, he doesn’t give off an ounce of intellectual superiority. He briefly explains why the guest has an important and interesting job, then he takes a posture of humble, confident curiosity.
It’s a wonderful example of one of my favorite mantras in leadership:
Train yourself to restrain yourself before you explain yourself.
The importance of this is self-evident. It fosters open dialogue, generates diverse and creative thinking, and encourages empathy. All these factors lead to increased innovation, collaboration, and engagement.
For example, it matters in the following circumstances, when you desire a good working relationship:
- Interpersonal conflict
- Relationship-based selling
- Handling customer complaints
- Negotiating trade-offs
- Giving constructive feedback
- Leading change
- Gaining buy-in and support
In all these circumstances, it feels like the goal should be to explain yourself to arrive at a commitment, decision, or resolution.
But that instinct is usually not the optimal objective.
Your primary goal should be to get the other person/party to be unguarded.
Here’s an illustration:
Recently, a friend who’d felt hurt and frustrated by someone else sent me a draft email expressing his frustration to the person who hurt him. The email laid out his explanation and ended with a request for a meeting to reconcile.
The clear problem with the email was that the other person would likely perceive my friend’s explanation to be one-sided and filled with blame, which would cause defensiveness and avoidance.
After we discussed this likelihood, my friend re-wrote the email.
In the new email, which was significantly shorter, he held back his interpretive and subjective explanations for his frustration. The sentiment was simple: I’m frustrated, I value this relationship, would you be open to meeting with me?
The goal of the revised email was not to explain my friend’s perspective. It was to invite an unguarded conversation.
What’s your goal in meetings, conversations, emails, and collaboration?
Is it to explain your opinion, your position, your idea, or your proposal?
Consider taking a page from Dan Heath: Train yourself to restrain yourself before you explain yourself.
What interaction do you have coming up where this applies?
