What to Say Yes and No to In the New Year
Over the holidays, I observed many people on work calls during their “time off.” Family members and friends often watched and waited, or just went off on their own.
One daughter mindlessly scrolled her phone while she waited for her dad to finish his call, pausing every five minutes to signal her impatience.
A friend of mine told me that he snuck away to join a client meeting during a family-dedicated day. When I asked him why he said yes to the invitation to join he responded, “Because they asked me, and I was available.”
Too often we say “yes” or “no” to the wrong things.
Rather than accepting or declining based on thoughtful criteria, we conclude that:
I will because I can.
If someone asks me and I’m available, I’ll say yes.
If I’m able to get it done, I’ll do it.
Is Your Life Full with the Right Things?
I talk to people often about their goals, performance and progress, and I hear the same thing over and over. People either tell me they are too busy, or they say they are unsure whether they’re using their time for the most important things.
The reason so many people face this frustration is simple:
They don’t have clear, consistent, compelling criteria for their yeses and nos.
“If I can, I will,” is neither clear, consistent or compelling.
Your Best Filter for Yes and No is TRG
Through my coaching and research, I’ve found three filters that provide the best criteria for what to say yes and no to. They each require continuous reassessment and reminding because they evolve over time, and they need to be specific. They are:
1. Central Theme. Your Central Theme is like the throughline of a story or a piece of music. It gives coherence and connection to all the parts. It may change in various seasons of life and probably requires shared commitment from your partner or others close to you.
Your Central Theme should be a statement that defines what you most want to pursue and pay attention to. Ask yourself the question, What do I really want my work/life to be about in the months ahead?
If demands and requests don’t fit with your theme, try to say “no”.
2. Key Relationships. Cross-referenced with your Central Theme should be the people you most want to pursue and pay attention to. Too often we neglect the most important relationships because we’re too busy dealing with the people who made it onto our calendar or into our inbox.
This probably requires definition not just of your inner core relationships but also of the second-ring and perhaps third-ring relationships that will matter most in the years ahead.
3. Growth to Do. Finally, you’ll want to cross-reference with the skills, experience and mindset you’re trying to develop in yourself. In other words, you might consider:
Am I trying to become a less fearful person?
Am I hoping to be more loving and patient?
Do I want to step into a role with greater ownership or responsibility?
Questions like these can be essential for knowing when to say yes and when to say no.
Several years ago, I set out on a personal path to clarify and live by my TRG rather than simply living by the demands and expectations of others. One of the outcomes was committing to a weekly “date” with my wife to connect and review the family’s affairs.
It’s blocked on my calendar because it aligns with my TRG, and I almost always say no to competing demands and requests. This practice has had profound consequences for my life. The small weekly yes to the date and the corresponding frequent no’s have added up to a massive impact, similar to what Netflix co-founder Marc Randolph has observed about this practice.
Imagine in the new year knowing how to yes to the things that matter most and no to the hundreds of distractions and demands that won’t mean as much over time.
What’s your TRG?
