“What’s Most Important?” and Two Other Crucial Questions to Ask Yourself Every Morning
Jennifer began her day with a well-crafted to-do list and good intentions. She ended her day exhausted and deflated.
If she worked in a vacuum, maybe she’d have gotten through the list and felt accomplished. That’s not real life for her though. Too many things come at her during the day — email questions, childcare interruptions, a customer issue…
She glanced over her to-do list from the prior day. Only half the tasks were crossed off. She looked at yet another list for the current day and resigned herself to the fact that, while it all ‘had’ to get done, it probably wouldn’t.
Then something changed in her daily patterns that reduced her exhaustion and increased her joy.
The Value of Regular Solitude
The Trappist monk Thomas Merton wrote in his book Thoughts in Solitude, “We cannot see things in perspective until we cease to hug them to our bosom,”
Throughout the day, we hug our phone, email, expectations, and opinions of others. We cling to the need to be valued, productive, approved, and comfortable. It’s only when we step back that we can best clarify how our values and priorities need to play out during the day.
As Jack Fong, a sociologist at California State Polytechnic University who has studied solitude, says, “When people take these moments…not only will they be forced to confront who they are, they just might learn a little bit about how to out-maneuver some of the toxicity that surrounds them.”
One thing that Jennifer changed: She started spending focused time alone each morning to think.
Before you protest that you don’t have time to be alone each day, consider Jennifer with her three young kids at home. She finds solitude each day in one of three ways: sitting at her kitchen table, looking out the window for five minutes, as dictated by the timer on her phone; going for a run by herself; or walking the dog. One of those three things happens every morning.
But this wasn’t the only thing that changed in her pattern. She started asking herself three very specific questions during that solitude.
Seeing the Forest for the Trees
As Tomas Merton explained, it’s hard to maintain perspective.
When we are in the grind of a day, our choices about what to focus on are heavily influenced by what’s in front of us, how we feel, what comes naturally, who is expecting something from us, and how they are asking.
When we’re in solitude, what’s most important becomes much clearer. And so, Jennifer began asking herself these questions:
- What’s most important?
- Who will get my best?
- Who will I disappoint?
By contemplating the larger narrative of our life, it’s easier to see how the current day provides a chapter in the story. Based on the meetings on the calendar, the goals of people around you, the issues that need addressing, the organizations/affiliations in which you operate, what’s MOST important — today?
Overlapping with that question, we can ask then, who will get my very best? Will it be the person or group that demands the most on you? Will it be the person who gets to you first? Or will it be the person who complains the loudest? Will it be the person who makes you feel bad when you don’t meet their expectations? Will it be the person who has organizational authority over you? Who’s it going to be?
Because, as leadership expert Andy Stanley has said, the more we mature in leadership, the more we realize the most important daily question to answer is, “Who will I disappoint?”
It’s an assumptive question. It assumes that everyone has limits and can’t possibly measure up to the expectations put on them. Of course, this shouldn’t mean that we aspire to mediocrity! We should do our best while accepting that disappointing others is an extremely difficult but necessary action. It’s so difficult because humans are wired to not let others down for fear that we’ll be rejected by others. The key is to make this a deliberate determination, one that can be done with grace and confidence rather than anxiety.
This pattern hasn’t reduced the number of to-dos on Jennifer’s list, but it has reduced her deflated feelings at the end of the day. With her more realistic and thoughtful approach, her to-do lists look shorter and her impact is greater.
When could you find regular solitude to ask these three key questions about your day?
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