Why You Need to Start Disappointing (Some) People
“The longer I’m a leader, the more I’m convinced that the key to my success is discerning who to disappoint and what I can’t get done.”
The executive who said this has a point. I work with someone who has the ability to disappoint people, and it’s made her extremely valuable to the company—because she knows when, why and how to do it. She’s really “good” at disappointing.
Last week, for example, she plainly stated to me that she’d run out of capacity and wouldn’t be able to complete something as hoped. I was frustrated at first, but in hindsight, I was understanding—and even grateful.
The fact is, we’re human. We have a limited supply of energy and hours to spend. The question is, are we using them up in the right places?
Much of the stress and anxiety we experience comes from the “shoulds” and “have tos” we project as expectations from others. The next time you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself whether others are doing it to you or whether you are doing it to yourself. If your answer is, “Well, they’ve asked me to get it done,” or “They need me do to this so they can do that,” ask yourself again:
Are they making me feel overwhelmed or am I overwhelmed by my inability to disappoint them?
Then ask yourself: Will I create more value by meeting other people’s expectations or by pursuing the best and most important things for all of us?
Good disappointment isn’t about abdicating responsibility or indiscriminately letting people down. It’s about focusing limited time and energy where it will deliver the needed impact.
My colleague makes sure to:
1. Disappoint proactively. Reactive disappointment is telling your car pool partner you overslept or apologizing to a customer for missing a ship date. Proactive disappointment, on the other hand, provides another person an opportunity to implement a contingency plan or decide whether to do the thing at all.
2. Be sympathetic, not a martyr. Sympathy is to feel pity or sorrow for someone else’s misfortune. You can sympathize with the person’s struggles—that’s being human—but you don’t have to take them on yourself. Too often guilt, whether self-imposed or inflicted by others, drives our agenda and it ultimately backfires as we end up feeling stressed out and resentful.
3. Provide a concise explanation. In the movie Moneyball, Billy Beane asks Peter Brand, “Would you rather get one shot in the head or five in the chest and bleed to death?” Hearing that quote reminded me of an agonizing adolescent break-up when I explained for several minutes why I wanted to end the relationship only to hear the response, “It’s fine. I have other options.”
This week, you might need to say “no” to a sales person, decline a request for help, tell a customer you can’t meet their deadline or let down your boss. Do it swiftly and boldly! Then move on to a less stressful and more valuable place.
Can you think of an example of when you would have created more value by disappointing than by listening to your inner “should”? Share with us in the comments!
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