How Deep Conversation Can Change Your Relationship Mindset
My friend and I were out for a run. Our conversation along the way began as an information exchange, talking to each other about what we’d done that week. And then it pivoted to his marriage.
“It’s not going well,” he told me. “We’ve been fighting a lot.”
At that point, my listening changed. I tried to experience the situation with him. My questions probed deeper. We had started with a transactional dialogue. Now we were really connecting.
Shift From Talk To To Talking With
We made the shift from talking to each other to talking with one another. It’s the shift from interacting with someone as a human doing to a human being.
Do you talk to or with people? Do you look at people or into people?
According to psychologists, these words matter. We live in a busy and divided society. The way you frame a conversation often predicates the outcome. Talking with others and looking into them leads to greater understanding and connection.
It’s expedient and safe to limit interactions to transactional exchanges. During that run with my friend, it required more effort and vulnerability for me to engage with him on a deeper level. But it was worth it. As Tim Ferriss said, “A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.” Looking into people, trying to really understand them, is uncomfortable.
This begins with a mental frame for the interaction. As the philosopher Martin Buber says, it’s the difference between an I/It and an I/Thou interaction. Do you see people in meetings at work, in your neighborhood, at the supermarket, or in your house as “its” – someone you use or experience? Or do you view them as a “thou” – someone of infinite value and relationship to you?
Trying to Connect? Don’t be:
- Hurried. If you feel rushed, impatient, and determined to move on quickly, forget about relating. Hurry prompts transactions. Of course, there are times when this is the only practical option, but realize that it makes real connection virtually impossible.
- Anxious. Do you have an agenda for the interaction? Are you distracted by technology or preoccupied by anxious thoughts? Noise in your brain limits real connection. Getting inside someone else’s thoughts requires you to quiet your own.
- Judging. Evaluating, criticizing, condemning, or measuring someone else up is a quick way to keep them as an “other” rather than a “relationship.” Try to suspend judgment, assume positive intent, and appreciate what is rather than what isn’t.
- Fixing. Fundamentally, people can only fix themselves. Giving advice or asking leading questions (advice disguised as a question) keeps people at arm’s length. Even if they are a client, talk with them not to them. You fix machines; you relate with people.
- Expecting. Connecting with people also requires an others-orientation rather than a self-orientation. Going into an interaction expecting to get something out of it, whether that be gratitude, generosity, or agreement, will keep you in the I/It frame.
Prepositions matter in relationships. Reflect on your interactions with clients, colleagues, friends, and family. Are they more about transactional exchanges of information or interactive relationship connections? The latter may be harder than you think. But it’s worth it.
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