Having Difficult Conversations About Behavior When Emotions are Involved
We’ve all been there at one time or another. A colleague leaves work early. Your child shouts at you. Your partner doesn’t meet one of your needs. In some way, you don’t appreciate their actions. The person’s behavior just doesn’t work for you.
When that happens, do you have the courage to tell that person that it’s not working for you? And if you do tell them, do you do it in a way that causes them to power up? Shut down? Remain open?
These are the questions I’ve been wrestling with, prompted by the stress of holidays and year-end, combined with the resolution for an even better year. I know that if someone’s behavior isn’t working for me, I’ve got to deal with it.
Sure, there are times when the behavior doesn’t really warrant you confronting the person about it. People do annoying and frustrating things all the time. No one wants to go through life always being the one to point it out.
In other cases, though, it’s important to say something. When the person’s behavior impedes your legitimate needs or that of others under your care, you need to deal with it. If another person’s actions reduce safety, trust, self-esteem, or aspirations, it needs to be called out.
Finding the Courage to Confront the Behavior
Ideally, the person to address the behavior is the one most directly affected and/or the leader of the team/organization where the behavior is taking place. It’s the job of the leader to serve as the immune system inside a team or organization. When the virus of troubling behavior shows up in the body, the leader should go after, heal, and restore it.
So, when it is important to address behavior, the person impacted or the leader needs to deal with it. And that takes courage. Being direct with someone about their behavior can trigger defensiveness. Calling out someone’s behavior may elicit conflict.
It also takes courage to recognize that your need isn’t being met and then to acknowledge it to the person who may be getting in the way. You may require support, prayer, and counsel to face up to it. But ultimately, you just have to decide to speak up, place that call, schedule that meeting.
An Approach that Helps Them Remain Open
As you plan your interaction, here’s the key question to consider: Can you speak your truth in a way that doesn’t feel attacking, blaming, or judgmental?
This is really hard to do.
In his fantastic book, Nonviolent Communication (which I referenced in an article I wrote about reducing tension and building trust), Dr. Marshall Rosenberg explains, “Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.”
This means that your child who shouted at you is “disrespectful” or “rude.” The colleague who leaves work earlier than others is “disengaged,” “not contributing their share,” or “not committed.” And your partner not meeting your needs is “unloving,” “selfish,” or “unhelpful.”
When your feelings or feedback are expressed in this form, they cause someone to power up (they get defensive) or shut down (they detach). Judgments are an indictment on identity and character. They go beyond behavior and imply the result was intended.
If you want the person to remain open, talk about your feelings and needs without judgment, comparison, or even blame. Simply state, “I’m feeling frustrated,” along with what you need and desire. Do it without putting it on the other person.
Recently, I had to find the courage to deal with someone’s problematic behavior. It was creating a fractured environment, and as a leader, I knew it was my issue to address.
Here’s a snapshot of what I said:
I’m feeling concerned.
I’ve noticed that you’ve been pointing out issues you have with others without acknowledging how you may have contributed to the problem.
Taking personal responsibility is important if we’re to work well together.
When you talk about your concerns, can you also acknowledge ways that you, too, may have contributed to the issue or could contribute to the solution?
No judgment. No comparison. No blame.
Discomfort? Yes. Tension? Yes.
But no more hidden frustration. It was out and we’re talking.
How well do you deal with people’s behavior when their behavior isn’t working well for you? Do you have the courage to address it? And can you approach it in a way that keeps them open?
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